Problem Not Theirs To Solve If They Could

Grab your cliches and hang onto your platitudes - the great family values stampede is about to begin.

Presidential wannabes have never loved children so much.

Forget kissing babies. In the next year we can look forward to candidates tying toddlers’ shoes, blinking away tedium as they try to squeeze into classroom desks, awkwardly hanging around video game parlors looking for bonding opportunities with teens.

If I had a penny to gamble, I’d invest in Dramamine. We’re going to need boatloads to get through this nausea-fest. Consider a sampling of what’s to come:

“Polls show that a majority of Americans think that getting kids off to the right start should be our No. 1 national priority,” says Democrat Bill Bradley with searing precision. “Politicians like to talk about children. Just throw in a mention of children and you get an applause line.”

Noted. Meanwhile, other presidential candidates have indicated they’ll be playing The Children card.

“We must make family life work in America,” deadpanned Vice President Al Gore.

“Families are broken,” declared Republican Lamar Alexander. “We’ve gotten busy. And we’re not taking care of the kids.”

Candidates of all persuasions seem to agree on the problem - not enough parental responsibility, not enough parental involvement in children’s lives, not enough parental time at home - but no one’s willing to translate the words into meaning.

What it all means, of course, is that parents are doing a lousy job of raising their children because, basically, they’re selfish, greedy and immature. Be honest, you’ve got goosebumps, right? Truth has that effect on honest people.

Instead, the candidates talk about absences, lacks and imbalances as though they’re some abstract impositions cast upon the dumbfounded by external forces beyond voters’ control.

Yes, we’ve got a mess on our hands but it’s not your fault,” they imply. “And since it’s not your fault, darling voter, you can’t really fix it. But if you elect me, I’ll make it all better.

The promise of government fixes - more after school, preschool, prenatal, postnatal, midteen, intertoddler programs - will get the votes of people too intellectually lazy to acknowledge their own roles in broken families. Nothing soothes a guilty conscience like: It’s not your fault. You didn’t do it.

But then, who did it? Who is to blame? If there is an external force to be reckoned with, it is precisely the suggestion that government can fix problems that only individuals can. Good families don’t happen in between appointments or two hours before bedtime, no matter how good the nannies, baby sitters and after school programs. They happen when two adult parents put their hearts and minds - and especially their time - to the task. Show up, be there, follow through - those are the slogans one longs to hear.

And this: Children don’t raise themselves, and hired strangers are first to admit they can’t do the job of parenting. Mothers and fathers need to decide early on who’s going to stay home with infants and toddlers, who’s going to be there when children come home from school, how labors will be divided so children’s needs are met, so behavioral guidelines are established and enforced.

Government and institutions can’t do those things. But parents can’t either if all their time and resources are tied up paying for yet more government programs that promise a fix they’ll never deliver. Just once, I’d like to hear a candidate say that. Just this once, such a person might get elected.