All-Or-Nothing An Immature Tack

`I ‘m not going to quit working, and I’m insulted Howard asked me to,” says Elaine, the mother of a 10-month-old son. “I enjoy my job as an employment recruiter, and I have no desire to be a housewife, but even if I did, we couldn’t afford that luxury.

“Howard isn’t reliable enough to support our family on our own,” Elaine, 32, continues. “In the four short years we’ve been married, he’s changed jobs three times.”

Howard, a 30-year-old computer salesman, says he doesn’t like the thought of his son being in day care eight hours a day.

“Howard’s being archaic,” Elaine retorts. “There’s nothing wrong with our son being in day care; it’s a reputable place, and Geoffrey likes it. Howard’s a spoiled only child whose mother doted on him his whole life, so he thinks I should be that kind of mommy, too.”

She insists they need the second paycheck. “Howard’s salary alone won’t allow for many extras, like my gym membership and his guitar lessons,” she says. “Besides, knowing his history, Howard isn’t going to stick with computer sales for very long. When he quits, then what? I’m tired of his badgering me, always pointing out how many of our friends are at-home mothers. Just because I choose not to be one doesn’t make me a bad parent, but he makes me feel that way.” Her anger and resentment has made things at home unpleasant, especially in the bedroom.

“Contrary to what Elaine thinks, I don’t resent her job,” Howard says. “I just think it would be best for our son to be raised by his mother during the crucial first five years of his life. If I’m willing to bust my hump working, why won’t she bend a little for our child’s sake?”

“Elaine and Howard have created an all-or-nothing situation in their marriage,” says Charlie Tazzia, M.A., L.L.P, a licensed psychologist and couples counselor in Mt. Clemens, Mich. “Elaine doesn’t seem willing to let her husband prove his reliability, continually emphasizing his restlessness and immaturity. But Howard hasn’t given her any options other than to become unemployed and lose her independence.” Tazzia believes Howard’s upbringing has a direct impact on his opinion that a mother should always stay home with her children. “He’s grown up in a `triangle’ - his two parents struggled for control while he remained caught in the middle,” he says. “His model was: Mom stays home, and Dad gets his way. Howard’s view of his own parents is, in his opinion, the backbone of his argument for Elaine to stay home with Geoffrey.”

At the start of therapy, the chances of this relationship surviving were very slim. Elaine and Howard, their therapist concluded, both had immature views of marriage, and they were unwilling to compromise or to listen to each other’s concerns. They needed to come to a better understanding of themselves and their situation before they could repair their relationship. In therapy, Elaine expressed her frustration over her husband’s inability to commit to a career path. She was surprised to learn, however, that Howard was extremely insecure about his ability to earn a good living, and her lack of faith in him wasn’t helping.

The counselor told Elaine that she had to ease up on Howard and stop prodding him to find a better career. She agreed to be more supportive; in return, she said, “Howard, please try to understand that my job means a lot to me, and I really would feel bad if I had to quit.” It was hard for him, but eventually he stopped insisting that having her stay at home was the only acceptable way to raise their son.

With the help of their counselor, the couple brainstormed a list of possible compromises. For the time being, they agreed, Geoffrey would stay in day care most of the week. Howard took some weekend and evening shifts so he could stay home a few days a week. Elaine negotiated flex time at work so she could come in later, leave earlier or even work from home sometimes. Both Elaine and Howard’s mothers volunteered to take occasional baby-sitting duty, too.

Now that their stress was alleviated and they had a child-care arrangement they could both live with, Howard and Elaine could focus on reviving their relationship. One to two nights a week, they made a point to have dinner together, either at home or at a favorite restaurant. The counselor also gave them sensual exercises to help them reconnect physically. Toward the end of their sessions, both reported they had become more patient and loving with each other, and happier as parents, too.