You Can Talk Tomatoes

Don’t be left dangling on the vine.

Sooner or later, all Inland Northwest residents find themselves in conversations about tomato plants.

For people who actually know something about this subject, that’s not a problem. But for those who do not, it can get uncomfortable.

So, presented as a public service, here are 10 things you can say in conversations about growing tomatoes even when you really have nothing to contribute.

1. “I’m hearing that a lot.”

2. “Well, it’s been a funny year.”

3. “Yeah, well, there you go.”

4. “How ‘bout those Cougs?”

5. “Then there’s always raccoons.”

6. “I like ‘em when they’re ready for slicing.”

7. “You don’t want to wait till they’re too red.”

8. “What kinda soil you got?”

9. “How much direct sunlight are they getting?”

10. “Maybe you’re watching them too much.”

* Seating chart: Have you ever noticed that, on the back of ticket stubs issued at Regal Cinemas theaters, it says that the management reserves the right to designate where the ticket holder shall be seated?

Now, if only they would get serious about that. (Cue the usher.)

“OK, I can see you two are going to be trouble. YOU, go sit over there and keep quiet. And YOU, another peep out of you, Mister, and you’re out in the parking lot.”

Of course, this being America, the loudmouthed moviegoers would just cite emotional trauma, sue and settle out of court for thousands of dollars.

* New Yorker cartoon caption of the week: “Once you have children, it forever changes the way you bore other people.”

* Gender gap: A visiting 6-year-old West Side boy asked his grandmother if dope was available in Spokane. She said, yes, she supposed it was.

So then the boy asked where they might get some. But before his grandmother had to respond to that one, the boy’s grandfather explained that the substance being discussed is a compound used in the assembling of models.

* We’re guessing: Avista’s Tom Matthews must suspect that people around here have never heard an accent before.

* Memorable prediction: After watching Ron Cey play his first game with the Spokane Indians years ago, our friend Don Adair confidently declared that the future Los Angeles Dodgers great would never make it.

* Today’s Slice question: From what Northwest historical figure do the greatest number of people around here claim to be descended?