Love Still First Priority In Adoption
Q. My daughter and her husband are leaving soon to adopt a 1-year-old girl in China. We know how hard they tried to have a child of their own, so we are very happy for them. My daughter knows nothing about the girl’s biological family, only what village she came from, which they plan to visit. We have friends whose children have adopted a Chinese orphan, and at 3 years old she could announce, “I am from China.” My question is, how can we best help our new granddaughter? How much should she be told about her background?
A. Your warm acceptance of your daughter and son-in-law’s decision and your readiness to love their daughter will be a great support to the new family.
Children who are raised in a stable and caring family start life with a tremendous advantage.
The first concern of the new parents is forming an attachment to their daughter. A healthy bond to caretakers provides a secure base from which your granddaughter can gradually venture out into the world.
I would not teach a 3-year-old to describe herself as being from China. Three-year-olds don’t understand the meaning of these words, and it sets her apart from other family members.
Tell your daughter to take pictures of the village where their daughter was born, and to search for any information they can. At some point their daughter may be interested in finding out more about her biological background.
It is important for adopted children to have access to their backgrounds if they choose to pursue them.
Q. My son, who is 5, will start kindergarten this fall. He is a very bright child and was enrolled in an academically advanced preschool class for one year. We were told by this school that he does not fit into their program because he has such a difficult time taking direction and focusing. As a parent, I sometimes do not know how to make him listen. He is full of energy and active all the time. Please help.
A. Make an appointment with a pediatric neurologist and have your son evaluated. The behaviors you describe are similar to symptoms for attention deficit disorder. Until you know if he has a physiological or neurological problem, you will be unable to find the best help for him.
Specialists in neurological disorders state that early treatment prevents the brain from locking in patterns of difficult behavior. Medication can repair the glitches, and behavior therapy can be used to retrain the brain’s reactions. Combining these is the most effective treatment.
Ginger Jaffe, a mother of a youngster with ADHD, told the Los Angeles Times recently: “I knew something was different (with my son) right from the beginning. He could never stay put for a long period. He was always fidgeting. The doctor kept saying he just had high energy, that he was just being a boy.
“When he got to kindergarten, he couldn’t focus on the work. He was always talking, touching, bothering. The teacher finally told me not to bring him back because he was too immature and disruptive. We took him to a pediatric neurologist who specialized in ADD. Finally, he was diagnosed as hyperactive with ADD.
“I remember the first time I gave him his medication. A little while later, it was time for us to leave for school, but I couldn’t find him anywhere. I finally found him in the car, sitting there waiting for me. He was looking out the window, calm and quiet. I couldn’t believe it. There was a world of difference.”
Parents’ stories like this encourage me to recommend medical evaluations so that kids can get proper treatment, and can be spared years of school failure and painful classroom experiences.