Fair Isn’T Fun Unless The Rules Clean Up Mess

We here at the Society to Make Us Good (SMUG) would like to commend our Spokane County commissioners on their enlightened decision to snuff smoking at the upcoming Interstate Fair.

In past years, tobacco fiends have been banished to cramped outdoor gulags strategically located near restrooms and garbage bins. But even that niggling bit of freedom was too much for these second-class citizens, the commission concluded.

Nothing fires up SMUG people more than adults engaging in a legal habit we find offensive.

Some might argue, of course, that a few stray wisps of cigarette smoke is pretty small potatoes in a place awash in artery-hardening grease cakes, rickety rides that might decapitate passengers and bacteria-crawling mounds of animal dung.

How true. The fair is a very dangerous and politically incorrect place, indeed.

Fortunately, SMUG has come up with a plan to bring more New Age sensibilities into our pitifully oldfashioned fair.

Call the commissioners today at 456-2265. Tell them to vote yes on the following changes that could go into effect when the fair opens Sept. 10.

Second-hand choke

For too long, sensitive fairgoers have endured the beastly odors wafting out of livestock exhibits.

This must stop. Until federal funding can be obtained to install massive carbon-filtered ventilation systems in the barns, the animals must be limited to only three per breed.

Hey, if you’ve seen one doe-eyed Holstein, you’ve seen ‘em all.

Furthermore, the animals remaining must be diapered and secured behind Plexiglas stalls to prevent any toxic bovine waste spills.

This does not apply, however, to swine. Pigs must be dressed at all times in bio-hazard suits. Smelly unredeemable poultry are banned until further notice.

You are what you eat

The days of bowel-constricting fatty fair cuisine have passed.

Funnel cakes, cotton candy and corn dogs will be replaced with organic taste treats such as Garden Burgers, rice cakes and tofu on a stick.

Those cavity-creating fair traditions - carmel apples, fudge, taffy - will be sold in unsweetened, dietetic forms only.

Elephant ears? Not hardly!

An analysis of one elephant ear revealed it to contain a shocking 500 calories, 27.5 grams of fat and microscopic traces of missing Teamster leader Jimmy Hoffa.

Like cigarettes and cigars, elephant ears are persona non grata. Anyone caught with a bootleg elephant ear will be cited for trespassing, escorted outside the nearest gate and shot dead.

Some final solutions

The fair will no longer tolerate:

Beer-bellied men wearing tank tops, tattooed carnies, dirty feet in flip-flops and other people you’ll never see at a Nordstrom lipstick bar. No T-shirts advertising Marilyn Manson or emblazoned with moronic statements such as “I’m With Stupid” or “Forrest Gump for President.”

Agricultural exhibits must be purged of zucchini, cucumbers, warty gourds and any other vegetables considered overly suggestive or obscene.

Anyone heard uttering the phrase “animal husbandry” will be fined.

Carnival games along the midway will be replaced by booths dispensing information on SMUG-approved organizations such as Greenpeace, PETA, Public Radio, the Flat Earth Society and the Peace and Justice Action League.

Hucksters peddling waterless cookware, miracle mops, magnetic arthritis cures, improved vegetable choppers or vibrating lounge chairs must begin each sales pitch with a disclaimer: “Folks, the amazing demonstration you are about to witness is merely a scam designed to part you idiots with your hard-earned cash.”

As you can see, the new smoke-free Spokane County Interstate Fair is going to be a much more appropriate place to spend some quality time with your child or significant life partner.

So have fun. We’ll be watching you.