If They Commit Crime, Make Them Do Time

‘I keep having to tell my children the same things over and over again,” said the mother of three. “Things like `hang up your coat’ and `don’t leave your book bag in the living room’ and `don’t slam the back door’ and `clean up after yourself in the bathroom’ and …”

“I get the picture,” I said.

“Yes, well, it drives me crazy, so I yell, then I feel guilty. Then, when my husband comes home, he doesn’t understand why I let the children upset me so.”

“What does he do for a living?” I asked.

“He’s a plant manager,” she answered.

“Well, you see, if one of his employees keeps breaking the same rule, your husband doesn’t get all frustrated and yell. He just fires them.”

“Yeah,” she said, “but you can’t fire a child.”

“That’s right. But what, besides yelling,” I asked, “do you do when one of your kids breaks a rule?”

She looked at me for a moment, then answered, “Come to think of it, I don’t do much of anything except yell.”

“Then your children have no reason to pay attention to the rules. When they break a rule, you get upset. They’ll pay attention only if, when they break a rule, you make sure they get upset, not you.”

“So what would you suggest I do when, say, one of the kids uses the bathroom and leaves it a mess?”

“I’d suggest that first of all, you make a list of the rules. Go over the list with the kids, then post it on the refrigerator, saying, `This means I am never going to repeat any of these rules to you again.’ From that moment on, if one of the children breaks a rule, he corrects the problem and then — are you ready? — spends the rest of the day in his room. If the violation occurs after supper, then he also goes to bed one hour early.”

“For leaving his book bag in the living room I should send my 8-year-old to his room for the rest of the day?” she asked incredulously.

“Do you want him to stop leaving his book bag in the living room?”

“Yes, but isn’t that a rather heavy penalty to pay for that offense? I thought the punishment was supposed to fit the crime.”

“That’s right. But the punishment doesn’t fit the crime unless it effectively deters the crime,” I said. “If you stop reminding the children of the rules and, instead, slap a rather heavy penalty on them every single time a violation occurs, they will stop ignoring your rules and you will stop yelling. Isn’t that a good deal?”

“Well, yes, I guess it is,” she said, but I could tell she wasn’t convinced.

“Look,” I said, “when our son, Eric, was 15, he came in 30 minutes past curfew one Friday night. Most parents would take 30 minutes off the next night’s curfew. Not us. We grounded him for two weeks. A kid who’s penalized 30 minutes for coming home 30 minutes late is going to make his parents fight that battle indefinitely. Not Eric. He never came in late again.”

“I think I get it,” she said. “To teach children that crime doesn’t pay, you have to make them pay. Up until now, I’ve been the one paying. Furthermore, you have to make them pay something they never want to pay again.”

She got it.