Parenting Stepkids Can Strain Relationship

“Tom and I separated a month ago, but just last week he moved back into the house; well, I want him to leave again!” cries Candace, a 41-year-old accountant and mother of two. “We split because we have stepparenting problems. His son, Brett, is impossible; my daughter Maddie from a previous marriage is also difficult and Tom and I never will agree on how to handle them. Lizzie, our daughter together, is a darling child and deserves to grow up in a peaceful home; I want Tom out of our lives; he can handle his son without involving us.”

Candace calls Brett, 22, a common criminal, who steals to support his drug habit. “Tom refuses to face the truth about his son; he’s done everything in his power to rehabilitate Brett, but the boy is hopeless. How can I respect a man who tries to control everyone and everything, yet is under the thumb of a worthless no-good son?”

“Candace says I love my son more than I love her.

That’s ridiculous,” says the 47-year-old Tom. “It’s absurd to compare your relationship with your wife to that of your son. Brett is troubled - Candace might remember that and show a little compassion.”

When Candace met Tom nine years ago, she was attracted to his strength and felt he was someone she could depend on. At the time she was struggling to support herself and Maddie, then 8 years old. “Meeting Tom was a blessing; my first marriage had left me hurt and desperately lonely. He swept me off my feet with his generosity. Naturally, I fell in love with such a warm and considerate man,” Candace admits.

Although Tom’s first wife had custody of Brett, Tom was able to see him on weekends. In the beginning, Candace says, Brett, then 14, was a well-behaved youngster. He seemed an ideal stepbrother for Maddie. But shortly after Lizzie was born, things started to change. Candace discovered Brett and Maddie were stealing money from the cookie jar to buy soda and candy. Maddie was disciplined, but Tom doubled Brett’s allowance.

Candace says Brett even stole money from the safe at Tom’s printing business. Tom knew Brett did it, but refused to call the police. He made Brett pay him back on a very flexible payment schedule.

The fact that Tom consistently puts his son before their marriage drove Candace to want a divorce, but she settled on a separation after Tom talked her into it. “Now he’s moved in with us and it’s not working,” says Candace. “I love Tom but I’m beginning to think the only way out is divorce.”

“This is a marriage that clearly needs some boundaries,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage therapist. “In order for these two to reconcile, Candace needs to take a firm stand with Tom and set some limits. Just living with him on a basis of `I love you’ isn’t going to work.”

According to Greer, the issue here is not Brett, but Tom’s feelings of inadequacy as a parent and guilt over the failure of his first marriage. Now Tom’s failure to say no to his son has created divisions in the whole family.

Second families almost inevitably encounter trouble, and this couple was no exception. The first decision made in therapy was that Tom must move into a hotel so husband and wife could both sort out their chaotic emotions.

If the issue of stepparenting is one in your marriage, consider these recommendations from Greer:

If one parent is having trouble with his child, he should ask himself what feelings he has about saying no to the child. Do these emotions stem from the failure of the previous marriage?

If your spouse asks for your help with his child, develop a strategy together on dealing with the problem, but let him be the one to carry it out.

As a couple, create a list of eight rules for the stepparent to follow. These might include: Make an appointment to discuss any problem privately with your mate away from the kids; avoid a power struggle with your stepchild, if he does something wrong, tell him you will alert his parent and let it end there; allow your spouse some quality time alone with his child without infringing on their parent/child date.

Refrain from being competitive. Your relationship with your spouse is special and separate from the one he has with his child.

Assign a particular night of the week for family bonding either by preparing dinner as a household, or ordering out from a favorite restaurant.