Openness Builds Sense Of Validation

`Gary spends more time on his photography than he spends with me,” says a frustrated Tammy, 35, married for 10 years and mother of an 8-year-old boy.

“Unfortunately, this hobby takes money as well as time, which robs me of companionship. Although he seems to think that everything between us is just fine, it’s not.” If Tammy tells Gary how lonely she is, he withdraws. “Maybe I’m to blame; I can be jealous and overpossessive. I tried to think of Gary’s photography as just a hobby and no real threat to our marriage, but I may be kidding myself.”

When the couple first met 11 years ago, Gary’s hobby didn’t bother Tammy. She tried to be supportive, even though Gary remembers on their first date, she surprised him with her boldness. “She said that in her best judgment I probably had a limited future as a photographer. I admired Tammy’s honesty; other women I dated went overboard with praise.”

But Gary, 36, a computer programmer, fell in love with Tammy, who at that time was working as an employment recruiter. They shared Tammy’s apartment for about a year until their elderly parents died, within 10 days of each other. That experience, Tammy says, brought them even closer. “Within a few days he proposed; we married right away.”

Two years later, their son Jack was born, and the couple was overjoyed. But while Tammy quit her job to tend to their new son, Gary began hanging out with a bunch of bachelors who made up his camera club.

Now Gary’s obsessed with his hobby, Tammy says. “At least two or three nights a week, he’s with his buddies; sometimes the guys pool their funds and hire a model - invariably a pretty girl, who will pose nude.”

Although Gary swears his association with these models is strictly professional, Tammy is not convinced, expecially after she found in the trunk of his car nude photos of a woman at the beach.“Tammy has too much time to sit and brood,” responds Gary.

“That model meant nothing to me - I never expect to see the woman again. My feelings for her are nonexistent, but my feelings for Tammy are real and important. Why can’t she trust me?”

“Gary suffers from low self-esteem and the only place he feels any sense of reinforcement is from his photography,” says Carl Hindy, Ph.D., a clinical psychologist in Nashua, N.H., and author of “If This Is Love, Why Do I Feel So Insecure?” (Fawcett/Crest, 1990).

Deep down Gary’s really a sensitive, emotional guy with feelings that need to be validated. The camera club fulfills those needs, says Hindy. “Unfortunately, the one he really needs support from is his wife.” Gary perceives Tammy’s objections to his hobby as a personal rejection and reacts by distancing himself. And when Tammy found the pictures of the model, it called into question her husband’s feelings for her. Gary was ashamed and less likely to admit his feelings of loneliness in the relationship.

As long as Tammy and Gary blame each other, they’ll continue to grow apart. But, Hindy says, this marriage has more assets than liabilities. Gary and Tammy shared a lot together, including a son they both loved. Neither wanted a divorce. As Gary suspected, Tammy was going through an identity crisis brought on by the fact that she’d given up her career and her child was now in school. Tammy agreed she needed an outlet of her own, and things improved greatly when she began volunteering and socializing with other mothers.

When Gary and Tammy agreed to listen and try to understand each other’s point of view, they were able to accept each other’s feelings.

If lack of communication has caused you and your partner to drift apart, consider these suggestions from Hindy:

Return to the beginning of the relationship: Recounting happier times with each other is a healthy start to recapturing the intimacy. By looking at positive experiences, you can try to rekindle early loving feelings.

Don’t make assumptions: Get into the habit of sharing emotions; don’t automatically assume your partner knows how you feel.

Experience things together: Take a weekend away as a couple or make a once-a-week commitment to spend an entire evening alone.