Driven Crazy By A Four-Wheeled Query

This winter, I have greatly enjoyed zipping to the exotic ski destinations of the Inland Northwest in my 4x4.

Yet before we delve too deeply into this fascinating rig-related topic, we must clear up one fundamental question: What in God’s name does 4x4 mean?

Think about this for a minute. I am fairly certain I know what one of the 4’s in 4x4 means. It signifies the number of wheels that actually receive drive-power when I step on the gas, since all I really mean by 4x4 is “four-wheel-drive vehicle.” So what does that other 4 mean?

Surely, it can’t mean the number of wheels on the vehicle. That’s too easy, not to mention too ridiculous. I think most of us are already aware of how many wheels we have on our vehicles. Four is the standard number, unless you are either (1) a long-haul trucker with 18, (2) a preschooler with three, or (3) a tugboat captain with zero.

Surely, that second 4 must mean something more technical and complicated, such as the degree of torque in the drive shaft, or the ratio of the differential to the quadrilateral, or average number of lug nuts missing on delivery, or the total number of years it will take to pay off the interest on your auto loan, never mind the principle.

So, what DOES it mean? I got on the phone to my friend Don Adair, automotive expert and famed co-author of The Spokesman-Review’s weekly car column.

“Don,” I asked. “What does that other 4 mean on 4x4?”

“It’s the number of wheels on the car,” he said.

I couldn’t believe it. The answer was too easy, not to mention too ridiculous.

“How can that be?” I said. “Are you sure?”

“Well,” he said, “a two-wheel drive car is called a 4x2.”

“But that’s too obvious,” I said. “Plus, a 4x2, if I am not mistaken, is a long stick-like piece of wood you build houses with.”

There was an empty silence on the other end of the line. Don had, wisely, hung up.

So then I called the people at Truckland Inc., a local company that advertises itself as the 4-wheel-drive specialists. They, too, told me that the first 4 signifies the number of wheels, and the second 4 signifies the number of drive wheels.

What is the point of that first 4? It’s not like a lot of us are driving around in six-wheeled vehicles or …

Actually, I soon discovered that a lot of people are driving around in six-wheeled vehicles. I found a Web page that gives a glossary of four-wheel-drive terms, and it mentioned that a lot of trucks have six wheels and some of them are actually 6x6’s.

This was finally beginning to make sense to me. A 4x4 is a perfectly clear term which not only distinguishes a four-wheel-drive vehicle from a 2-wheel-drive vehicle, but also differentiates it from various forms of big honkin’ pickups and truck rigs, just in case someone might think I drove my Mack tractor to Mt. Spokane last week.

And just when I thought I had it all figured out, an ad for a truck comes on the TV and the guy says that this truck not just a 4x4.

“It’s a 4x4x4,” he says.

Oh, for the love of Mike, as my father used to say. Once again, the entire subject is thrown into an utter state of confusion. So I go to all of the 4-wheel drive Web sites, but I can find nothing about a 4x4x4. My best memory of the television ad, however, is that this is one of those extended cab pickups. So think I have it all figured out. The first 4 refers to the number of wheels; the second 4 refers to the number of drive wheels; and the third 4 refers to the number of doors it has. Or maybe the price, times $10,000.

So, anyway, as I was saying, I have greatly enjoyed zipping to the exotic ski destinations of the Inland Northwest in my 4x4.

Except now, after all of this research, I have discovered that what I have is not a true 4x4 at all, but is more accurately termed an “all-wheel-drive” vehicle, or AWD, which for some reason is different than a 4x4, even though it does distribute engine power to all four wheels.

So. As I was saying. I have greatly enjoyed zipping to the exotic ski destinations of the Inland Northwest in some kind of vehicle in which power is available to every wheel, of which the car has a total of, wait, let me go outside and count, four.

You know what? The hell with it.