‘Sweeps’ Dreams
How do you tell when you’re in the middle of a Nielsen “sweeps” month?
Because television news begins to sound something like this:
Fatherly male anchor: Coming up on NewsFab 5, an unspeakable tragedy stalks a quiet rural scene when a school bus full of nuns collides with fate. Also, it has happened to all of us: the deadly barbecue flare-up (exciting footage of fire enveloping an all-beef patty). How do you extinguish a potentially dangerous grill inferno? We’ll show you on “News For You’s.” Plus, an exclusive NewsFab 5 investigative report: Do you believe everything in your horoscope? Wait until you hear what our hard-hitting reporter Dirk Slatkin has discovered. All of this, coming at 5 p.m., right here on NewsFab 5.
(Brief interlude for commercials, followed by thrilling intro which depicts city from the air, in which the surrounding mountains slowly morph into the faces of the anchors).
Fatherly male anchor: Good evening. I’m Ted Baxter.
Earnest female anchor: And I’m Ellen R. Murrow. We begin tonight with a breaking story on Underhill Road. We go live to NewsFab 5 correspondent Tawnii Blankley.
Blond young person: (in high-pitched squeaky voice) Ellen, Ted, as you can see behind me, all is quiet on this quiet leafy rural road, but only a few hours ago, police were crawling over this scene after an anonymous tip came in on the Serial Killer hotline. The caller said a body had been dumped right out in that field (camera zooms in on field). Ellen, Ted, as you know, this would have been the seventh body to be attributed to the Serial Killer, except for the fact that after thoroughly searching the field, the police found nothing. However, as you can see (camera zeroes in on footprint) many, many police were out here a few hours ago, before deciding the tip was a hoax.
Earnest female anchor: Can you describe the mood on the scene right now?
Blond young person: Well, as you can see, there is nobody here right now. But I think I would describe the mood as relieved, because nobody wants to find yet another victim of the Serial Killer.
Fatherly male anchor: So true. Thank you, Tawnii. (Turns toward co-anchor and says heartily) Say, Ellen, what’s your sign?
Earnest female anchor: (brightly) That would be Leo, Ted.
Fatherly male anchor: Well, I hope you don’t take those horoscopes too seriously, because our own Dirk Slatkin has been digging into the astrology industry, and you will be astonished at what he has uncovered. Dirk?
Rumpled middle-aged reporter: (Sitting at desk in newsroom) Ted, Ellen, I have found numerous sources within the industry who have told me that astrology has absolutely no basis in scientific fact. Even more shocking, several sources have told me that astrologists just make things up at random and recycle them day to day. Furthermore, I have learned that astrology is fundamentally different than astronomy, even though they sound the same.
Fatherly male anchor: So, Dirk, does this mean that we should be somewhat skeptical about those daily predictions?
Rumpled middle-aged reporter: Yes, Ted. For instance, I have been told that many astrologists continue to insist that Pluto exerts an influence on human affairs, when, in fact, Pluto isn’t even a planet anymore.
Earnest female anchor: Amazing. That’s enough to give us all a one-star day. We’ll return shortly with Sleety Sales and the weather, plus terrifying footage of nuns in a bus. (Commercial break, followed by intro to the weather, in which a radar image of Hurricane Hugo morphs into grinning visage of Sleety Sales.)
Perky middle-aged man: Wow, am I having fun here at the Convention Center for NewsFab 5’s Annual Self-Promotion Expo. (Spends next two minutes riding in golf cart through Convention Center, promoting NewsFab 5 and its seven radio sister-stations.) But now let’s look at the weather (takes off funny-nose glasses). As you can see, the temperature is 42 degrees. That’s a temperature you can’t get anywhere else except with NewsFab 5’s exclusive Temperature-Ticker technology. And as we switch over to the Cloud Cruncher CompuCaster, we can see a powerful weather system moving in from the west. Our exclusive Isotherm 2400 Chaos Theory Analyzer indicates that rain could be in our future. But will it hit us? Let’s ask Slushball the Weather Hamster! (Takes hamster from pocket and pretends to listen to him.) Oh! Slushball sez: Take your umbrella tomorrow!
Fatherly male anchor: Love that hamster. Speaking of furry things, many of our viewers have been watching the special mini-series event “Hippier Than Thou,” right here on FBC and wondering, “Tell us, NewsFab 5, were there hippies right here in our city in the ‘60s?” So we went out and found some and dressed them up in their old costumes. (Interview ensues, featuring grey-haired bank managers wearing fringed leather and love beads.) Don’t forget to catch part three of “Hippier Than Thou,” tonight, right here on FBC, at 10.
Earnest female anchor: Finally, we turn to a tale of nuns, buses and near-tragedy. This bus was taking 20 nuns on a Sunday excursion in Ecuador when the bus hit a washout and plunged 20 feet down an embankment into a ditch. Here is what the terrifying scene looked like from inside the bus (five seconds of wimples flying about and habit-wearing nuns rolling down aisleway). Let’s see that remarkable scene again (re-runs footage, this time with choral music). Fortunately, some would say miraculously, none of the nuns were killed. Only two nuns had whiplash and one nun suffered a fractured foot when a very large Mother Superior stepped on her. Could this have been divine intervention?
Fatherly male anchor: Amazing footage. How did we get these remarkable pictures?
Earnest female anchor: It seems one of the nuns happened to be rolling tape at the time. That’s the only reason we have these pictures to show to you tonight.
Fatherly male anchor: The only reason indeed. Thanks for watching NewsFab 5, and if Mr. Nielsen comes calling, tell him hello from all of us at NewsFab 5. (Roll credits.)