Love Can Still Exist Even As Values Change

“My husband thinks I’m obsessed with the church and calls me a religious nut,” says Bobbi, 36, a customer service representative and mother of two children.

“Instead of spending time with his family at services, Mike takes off for long drives, goes bowling with his friends or holes up in his office. Everyone in my family says that unless he returns to the fold, I should apply for a legal separation. We can’t continue this way.”

Bobbi says their troubles started three years ago when Mike, also 36, stopped attending church on Sundays.

Mike, who owns a successful car dealership, maintains he’s needed at the office on the weekends. When he’s not working, he prefers to bowl with his weekly league or relax at home rather than go to services.

Mike’s shift in attitude is puzzling to Bobbi, since he was very active in his faith when they met 18 years ago at a church function.

As a family, Mike and Bobbi and their children Aimee, now 15, and Cameron, 12, went to weekly services, and both children participated in Sunday school classes and church functions regularly. Today, Bobbi volunteers at church nearly every day, and can’t understand why her husband has lost his enthusiasm for his religion.

On the way home from a recent family wedding, Bobbi was flooded by memories of their own ceremony and began to cry. Mike pulled the car over, and the couple bitterly discussed their feelings. “Mike said he was no longer happy with me because I objected to his hobbies, his long work hours and his rejection of the church,” she says. “He asked if I still loved him, and I said I doubted I could truly love a man who didn’t believe in religion.”

The two have hardly talked since then and barely make love. Mike believes the only option may be to leave his marriage.

“We can’t be the same at 40 as we were at 20; in relationships, people change over the years, and these two people are no different. But it doesn’t have to spell disaster,” says Beatty Cohan, a psychotherapist in Providence, R.I., and co-author (with husband Elliot) of “For Better, For Worse, Forever” (Chandler House Press, 1999). It was vital for these two to establish a win-win situation and negotiate the important issues in their marriage. For starters, says Cohan, both spouses needed to learn how to question each other and listen to the answers.

In the safety of the counselor’s office, Bobbi was able to ask Mike why he left the church. He admitted that his faith had been “forced” upon him by his mother and that he had never been really into it personally. Bobbi finally understood that while religion didn’t work for Mike, it didn’t mean that he was rejecting her. The counselor helped the couple to create a list of compromises they might try, such as having Bobbi cut down her church activity to twice a week. When Bobbi began exploring other activities, such as race-walking and joining a book club, the tensions between the couple eased.

Though Mike still isn’t interested in churchgoing, he has found other ways to bond with his family. He started cutting back on his work hours and taking Bobbi out for a romantic evening once a week. After Sunday services, he joins his wife and kids for a movie or an afternoon of bowling, followed by dinner out. Now that Bobbi’s attitude is less rigid and Mike is more attentive to her needs, sex has become more relaxed and enjoyable.

Mike and Bobbi are happier than ever now, understanding that they can still have a harmonious marriage despite their differing religious values. A couple can spend years lost in a routine of non-communication.

If, like Bobbi and Mike, you’re at odds with your partner, consider these suggestions by Cohan:

Acknowledge and address the problems in your marriage together. Without blaming or name-calling, take turns articulating what you perceive is the root of the conflict, and how it began. Make a respectful rule not to interrupt while the other speaks.

Refuse to allow arguments to simmer.

Set a time and place where the two of you can discuss what’s on your mind.

Schedule family meetings to set a good example for the open-air discussion policy. Teaching the kids how to maturely voice their concerns will help them at home and in their outside relationships.

Don’t attempt to read your spouse’s mind. Instead, ask if your spouse is upset and if you can help.

Don’t draw relatives and in-laws into your marital conflicts - this will only confuse matters and cause more problems in the long run. Keep your problems between the two of you, or else consult a counselor.