Ah, Rub It In Their Faces
When you fantasize about returning to Spokane after becoming a superstar performing artist, which is your favorite setting?
a. Opera House.
b. Arena.
c. The Met.
d. Across the street from where that person who dumped you lives.
* Joyce Nowacki’s step-by-step tax-filing strategy:
1. Get audited.
2. Hand over box of ‘98 receipts.
3. Let IRS figure it out.
* Celestial appetites: We heard about a local 3-1/2-year-old boy who had a novel explanation for a full moon. “It was hungry,” he said. “It must have eaten a bunch of clouds.”
* Just wondering: Do you ever wish you could trade occupations with someone for a day just so you could say some of the things that person gets to say in his or her line of work?
Consider a few of the possibilities.
Waiter: “We’re out of that.”
Security guard: “Sir, I’m going to have to ask you to step back.”
Medical receptionist: “If you’ll take a seat, it’ll just be a minute.”
Music video director: “More pouting! More jiggling! THAT’S it!”
Family counselor: “How does that make you feel?”
Body shop manager: “It’s gonna run ya.”
Traffic cop: “Uh huh. Right.”
Daycare worker: “Go back to your mat and try to go to sleep.”
Unemployed dropout hanging out on a street corner: “Don’t #$%& with me, &^$@#$*&^%!”
Clothing salesperson: “That really brings out your eyes.”
Hair stylist: “Well, we COULD try that.”
College professor: “Your parents are capitalist pigs.”
Dental hygienist: “Someone hasn’t been flossing.”
Bartender: “You’ve had enough.”
Flight attendant: “You’ll have to wait until the cart is out of the aisle.”
* Dick Wright wonders: Where’s the best place around here to get liver and onions?
* Which is still better than a comb-over: A reader told us about her 2-1/2-year-old son seeing a bald guy and exclaiming, “That man has no hairdo.”
* A computer/video game we’d like to see: “Imagecrusher ‘99.”
The player is a heavily armed peace-loving North Idaho resident who, in addition to encountering various unbalanced extremists, has to confront and deal with an increasingly aggressive lineup of national reporters visiting the area prior to an Aryan Nations parade.
* Today’s Slice question: What’s a good back-up use for home exercise equipment that no one is using?