But Wait Until Food Is Cooked

Thu., July 8, 1999

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

In addition to being a good way to ward off heatstroke, maintaining optimum hydration comes in handy when it’s time to douse the campfire.

* If one considers charcoal smoke hallucinogenic: The No. 1 reaction might be the urge to exaggerate.

* Kids today: We overheard two teenagers talking in a Spokane grocery store about what they were going to do after they got rich.

Big houses? Expensive cars? Nope.

They focused on various philanthropic uses for their money.

* Life equipment: Hardly anybody carries them anymore. But the person with a clean, white handkerchief to hand someone who is crying is apt to be regarded as uncommonly elegant.

* Nobody asked: But yes, we think it’s only fair that girls have the same opportunity as boys to harbor statistically unrealistic dreams of becoming professional athletes.

* “Party of 189,200”: It could be a new TV show, about a medium-sized Northwest city trying to sort out its conflicted feelings about romance, responsibility and growing up.

* True fact: Ten-year-olds love to be asked to unscrew stuck jar lids.

And they also seem to enjoy affecting hilarious pro-wrestling grimaces while trying.

* We haven’t done a survey: But we would bet remodeling contractors get asked for free professional advice even more often than doctors.

* Here’s a tip: When visiting out-of-town relatives, never pass up a chance to check out photo albums.

(It’s permissible, however, to start looking at your watch if Uncle Jerry hauls out 7,000 hours worth of videotape showing nothing but your cousins burping up in the early ‘80s.)

* Special theme summer camps we’d like to see:

1. Camp Khaki. (Teaches kids to recognize the difference between dressing casually and looking like their parents do on weekends.)

2. Camp Love Connection. (Campers learn to compose winning personal ads and master the basics of spotting ads written by loons.)

3. Camp Conversation. (Attendees are coached in the art of discussing subjects other than the weather.)

* It’s not a good sign (on multiple levels): If your boss believes that, in a movie based on your workplace, he should be played by Bruce Willis.

* Today’s Slice question: What percentage of Inland Northwest golfers hardly ever talk about golf while playing a round with friends?

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