Compromise Key To Easing Tensions

“Ironically, I was first attracted to my husband Joe because of his cute little girl; now what once was a plus is now a big negative,” says Denise, 37, a medical secretary, married for four years. “Courtney’s 14, and she’s driving me crazy and destroying my marriage.”

Joe, a 42-year-old chiropractor, can’t seem to convince Denise that their marriage is fine. “Denise doesn’t know what a bad marriage is - I do,” he says. “All she needs to do is control her moodiness and cut Courtney some slack about her grades and chores. My daughter is just going through that rebellious stage and she’ll grow out of it. Though she only sees her mother twice a month and during school vacations, she’s been through a lot. My ex-wife is difficult and often depressed.”

Six years ago, the couple went on a blind date arranged by one of Joe’s patients, who also knew Denise from an exercise class. Denise was more than game, after having gone through a painful breakup with a boyfriend only months before. Their date, dinner and a play, was full of lively conversation and sexual sparks.

On their third date, Joe felt comfortable enough to invite Denise to go bowling with him and Courtney. She instantly fell in love with the warm, shy 8-year-old, and over the next few months, she showered extra attention on the young girl, taking her to the mall, the movies, and for sleepovers at her apartment. After two years of steady dating, the two married in a romantic ceremony in the Virgin Islands.

Denise says she has been as patient as possible, but that Courtney takes her and Joe for granted. “I’ll come home from work, and she’ll be sprawled out on the sofa, watching TV and snacking,” says Denise. “…Of course, she hasn’t done her homework, and when I ask her about it, she pretends not to hear me. Her father wants her to get her C average up, but how does she ever expect to earn B’s?”

Joe knows his daughter isn’t a model student - he’s even hired a tutor to help her - but wishes Denise would lighten up.

Things between the Denise and Courtney came to a head one night. Denise called home from the office and told Courtney to put dinner in the oven. When she returned home, the teen was talking on the phone and the meal was still in the refrigerator. “I didn’t want chicken anyway - let’s order pizza,” Courtney shrugged.

Denise recalls: “I lost control and started yelling at her, and she screamed back. Out of anger, I threw a bowl across the kitchen just as Joe walked in. But instead of defending me, he got mad about the broken bowl, then told me to stop shouting at his daughter! That’s when I realized where his loyalties lay.”

Since then, the family’s relations have been strained, with Denise and Courtney barely speaking to each other. “Denise doesn’t understand that the more rigid she is with Courtney, the more Joe feels the need to defend and protect his daughter. This is not a case of him being loyal to one or the other; his relationship with his wife is much different from that with his child,” says Estelle Klatzkin, ACSW, MSW, a couples counselor. “Until the situation improves, I think having a baby would hinder rather than help this marriage.”

Klatzkin doesn’t believe Courtney is bad or troubled, but a normal adolescent with typical insecurities. “The best way Denise and Joe can learn to deal effectively with Courtney is to offer her rewards for her success,” she says. “If she knows this, there will be more incentive for her to set the table or prepare the salad before dinner. Joe and Denise should also make clear the consequences if Courtney doesn’t hold up her end of the deal.”

Adjusting expectations and learning to compromise is key to easing a tense family situation like Denise and Joe’s, explains Klatzkin. She offers these tips for improving your relationships at home:

Consider family counseling. A trained professional can ask questions and moderate heated discussions you might not be able to handle at home.

Schedule family meetings to air grievances, share daily events and set boundaries. With your spouse, set specific rules for your children to abide by and make sure they understand them.

Be a neutral party. Don’t immediately take sides if your spouse and child are fighting; hear them both out objectively, discuss your feelings and then make your decision, if need be.

Have fun. Sharing family activities releases stress and bonds you together. But be sure to take time out for yourself without the kids - both alone and with your partner - which will also strengthen your marriage.