First Of All, Try A Simple Solution

Women are different than men.

This isn’t a sexist statement. It’s a basic truth known to anyone who has worked on a home-repair project with a member of the opposite sex.

For example: My domestic partner and I effusively congratulated ourselves when the lights flared after completing a home-wiring project. But, a week later, they went dead.

What happened? I thought of the drywall we’d put up after finishing the wiring — and the hundreds of screws we’d used. Any one of which could have found its way into the wiring, causing a short circuit. I resigned myself to pulling down the drywall, screw by screw.

“Maybe the light bulb is just burned out,” she said.

“Neither of the lights works,” I pointed out.

“Maybe both of the lights are burned out,” she said.

“Do you realize the odds against that?” I asked.

I went to get my drill. She went to get two light bulbs.

While we were gone, the circuit must have healed itself because the new light bulbs glowed when she screwed them in.

Therein lies the difference between men and women.

Men mount expeditions while women are content to walk around the block.

So here’s the point of today’s sermon: When confronting a home-remodeling-and-repair emergency, seek the simple solution first.

For example: In the dead of last winter, I was visiting a friend and colleague — Doug Clark. Doug’s a nice-enough man, but the fact is, his home-repair instincts have been completely arrested.

Doug has a second house near his primary residence. He doesn’t remodel it. He doesn’t repair it. He doesn’t build additions onto it. The only thing he does with it is occasionally play his guitar very loudly in it.

We headed over this winter evening to play his guitar very loudly.

The living room was a little chilly even though Doug had earlier turned up the thermostat. The furnace blew out cool, damp air and the blower labored.

“Maybe we’re out of oil,” Doug suggested.

As I continued to plug in amplifiers, he opened the basement door and flipped on the light — and called me over.

It was a scene from the sinking Titanic. At least 4 feet of water lapped at the basement stairs, and the tide was still coming in. Two boxes and a sofa floated by.

“Undoubtedly, a pipe froze and broke,” I analyzed expertly. “We must cut off the water.”

The problem was, the cut-off valve was down there, in the basement, probably by the electrical service panel. I suggested Doug might not want to be swimming around looking for the water shutoff valve when the rising water and the electrical panel met.

“We’ll have to call the city and utility company to get an emergency crew out here to cut off the water at the street,” I ordered.

As we prepared to flee, I suggested we peek in a basement window to see the electrical panel. That’s when we found a garden hose tucked down in the window well, running full blast.

“Do we still need to call the emergency crews,” Doug asked, “or do you suppose we could just turn the water off?”

We turned the hose off and an impending calamity was diverted. Once again, a simple solution had robbed me of a true home-repair challenge.

Oh, one other lesson to be learned:

When it gets real cold, and you turn on your outside water spigot to see whether your outside water line has frozen, and you find out that it has…don’t forget to turn the faucet off again. Because sooner or later, the weather will warm up and the pipe will thaw.

And, it’s also probably not a good idea to roll up your hose and stick it down in a basement window well.