Keep Marriage Strong, Focus On Positives

“I’ve made nothing but mistakes since I married Alex,” says Holly, 29. “It’s no wonder I have these overwhelming bouts of depression; I feel like the most incompetent wife, mother and human being in my husband’s eyes.

“If Alex would just show a little appreciation and understanding, maybe I could get rid of my constant feeling of stupidity,” she continues. “I just recently finished college and if he would just let me work in the family business, I know I could prove myself to him. But Alex said he wouldn’t hire me. Why is he ignoring my needs this way?”

Alex, 32, the president of his father’s chain of sporting goods stores, says that having his wife as an employee would be disastrous. “Holly wouldn’t be able to stand the pressure for 15 minutes,” he says. “The strain of keeping our home and taking care of our two young boys is already too much for her…. Ever since she got her accounting degree, she thinks she can worm her way into the business.”

Things weren’t always this way. Before their marriage, Alex says, Holly seemed to have a mind of her own. “Although she was just 24, she had a philosophy of life and strong ideals, which I respected; that’s part of what attracted me in the first place,” he says.

Ironically, Holly was putting herself through school by working as a sales associate in one of the family’s stores when she first met Alex. “When he finally asked me out, I turned him down. … But Alex persisted until I finally said yes.”

Their first date was to the theater and a late dinner afterward. Both agree it only took a few weeks to fall in love. “We had sex on the second date,” says Holly. “It was inevitable; the attraction between us was too great.”

Even though they used birth control, Holly discovered she was pregnant two months later. “I was afraid to tell Alex, not knowing how he’d react to the news,” she says. “But when I told him, he drove me to the most expensive jewelry store in town and bought me a fabulous diamond engagement ring. He asked me to marry him right on the spot.” A jubilant “yes” sealed the deal.

Alex’s overbearing mother, a top executive in the family business, was a problem from the start, according to Holly.“… I couldn’t believe her attitude! But she’s a real snob; she resents that I was a working girl, trying to put myself through school. I was an embarrassing choice of bride for her son.”

Holly returned Alex’s ring after that meeting, saying things would never work out. Alex quickly put it back on her finger, assuring her that she misunderstood his mother’s intentions, and that the wedding would go forward - with his parents’ approval. Indeed, just 10 days later, the couple made it official before 500 guests.

Now that Alex has been promoted to president, he’s either on the road or at the office for 10- or 12-hour days, including some weekends, while Holly stays home with Charlie and 2-year-old Lucas.

“Alex is continually giving his wife the devaluing message that she’s incompetent,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a couples counselor and co-author of “How Could You Do This To Me?: Learning to Trust After Betrayal” (Doubleday, 1998). “He gives her the impression that she’s too overwhelmed to work, and all she hears is `You can’t do it.’ The `I’m not good enough’ dynamic was what Holly initially encountered with his mother.”

Both Holly and Alex need to work on respecting the other’s point of view, adds Greer.

When asked why it was so important for her to work with Alex, Holly said it was to prove to her in-laws that she was “good enough.” When Alex explained that she was always good enough for him, Holly actually listened. Alex assured her he knew what his mother was like and that his main concern was making their marriage work.

In early sessions, Alex admitted he wanted to save his relationship, and that he needed to be a more involved parent, unlike his own distant father. Here’s some advice from Greer on eliminating the negatives and keeping your marriage special:

Support your spouse’s desires, even though they might be unrealistic. Resist the temptation to make negative comments, which will only make your partner shut off from you.

Accentuate the positives. Let your partner know you need reassurance and support for your efforts and desires. In return, focus on what your spouse does for you, and what positive values he or she brings to your relationship.

Prioritize responsibilities. If you feel stretched between your office and family, figure out how to divide your time and energy appropriately.