Communication Can Curb Outbursts

“Tim has got to stop acting like a tyrant!” says 32-year-old Sheila, a substitute teacher and mother of a 6-year-old daughter. “In public, he’s this poised, intelligent, charming guy, but with me and our families, my husband becomes a rude, uncontrollable brat. If he can’t curb his temper, I’m divorcing him.”

Tim, 35, a medical malpractice attorney, feels he’s been cast as the bad guy in his marriage of seven years. “I know I can erupt sometimes, but I don’t stay angry for long, and when I apologize, I mean it,” he says. “If Sheila would just show me a little more patience and understanding, we’d get through these rough spots a lot quicker.”

Recently, Tim was made a partner in his large law firm, but the months preceding his promotion were fraught with uncertainty. “I don’t think my wife had any idea of the struggle I went through to finally become a partner.”

Tim also feels that Sheila doesn’t really listen to him. “I find it very hard to tell her what I want, and I think she finds it very hard to hear what I want,” he says.

He cites as an example a time when he was offered an important job opportunity. Though he told Sheila that he wanted to be the one to break the news to family and friends, she blurted it out to her parents. Tim sulked for hours.

But it was one recent disastrous weekend that finally sent the couple in search of counseling. “My in-laws invited us to drive down to their house to celebrate Tim’s promotion,” Sheila says. “I thought he’d be pleased, but instead, he threw a tantrum. He kicked a chair clear across the den, knocked over a lamp, then locked himself in the bedroom.”

Tim replies: “I tried to tell Sheila that I didn’t want to spend the weekend with my parents, but she just brushed my words aside. Besides, it’s important that we maintain good relationships with the people in my firm, and Sheila canceled a lunch date with the other partners’ wives in order to accept my mother’s invitation.”

Still, the two made love that night after Tim apologized, so the crisis seemed to have passed. But the next morning was even worse. On the two-hour drive, Carly wet her pants. When they arrived, Tim’s mother fussed over the child and snapped at her son for not making a rest stop.

“Instead of congratulating me on my new position, my folks railed me for being a jerk,” he says. The next day, his mother bought Carly an expensive bicycle, even though Tim had repeatedly asked her not to spoil her with gifts. He hurled the bike across the lawn, threw the cake on the floor and stormed off for six hours. His mother assured Sheila, “He’s always been that way. He’ll get over it.” But Sheila had had enough.

When the two returned home, they argued again, and Tim packed a bag and moved out.

“Tim clearly needs to find other ways to express his frustrations. He’s failing to see how his tantrums are impacting his family,” says Eric J. Cohen, Ph.D., a marital therapist and co-author of “You Owe Me: The Emotional Debts That Cripple Relationships” (New Horizon Press, 1999).

This couple, like so many others, suffers from a lack of communication. While Tim needs to learn how to control his rage, Sheila isn’t entirely blameless, either, Cohen explains. “Her avoidance of dealing with her husband’s episodes actually ignites more conflict between them.”

Through the group and private therapy, Sheila and Tim pledged to improve their destructive behavior. Sheila took a more active interest in her husband’s life, listening to him carefully and asking about his work and interests.

Feeling heard at last, Tim stopped throwing fits, and before long, he moved back home. Now, the two talk out their differences without violence and verbal sparring. Tim is also spending more time with Carly, who’s happy these days her parents are getting along.

It’s not easy to deal with a partner’s anger. If outbursts are getting in the way of your relationship, try these tips from Cohen and other noted therapists:

Fight fair. Establish house rules about arguing before trouble even begins.

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes. Imagining the situation from your partner’s point of view will help you empathize with his or her feelings.

Take responsibility for your behavior. Are you doing anything - whether consciously or not - to provoke your spouse’s anger? If so, what might you do to change this?

Accept the anger. Saying “Don’t get mad” or “You shouldn’t feel that way” may only make your partner more upset. You can’t pass judgment on another person’s emotions.