Time Together Nurtures Bond

`Steven says he loves and respects me intellectually, but my body leaves him cold,” says 26-year-old Nanette, a florist. “It’s been three months since we last made love, because he says I have to lose at least 15 pounds to get him turned on. It’s devastating to know your own husband isn’t attracted to you anymore!”

Steven, 30, a computer consultant for a publishing company, says he simply wants to be proud of his wife. “Nanette is a pretty woman and with very little effort, she could have the perfect figure,” he says. “If she’d just take the time and effort to show she loves me - and herself - by getting into shape, our marriage and sex life would improve.”

At 5-feet-tall, Nanette weighs 130 pounds. But she never worried about her size until recently, when Steven began making remarks about her dimpled thighs and thickened waist. “During meals, he watches every bite I swallow, counting the calories,” she says. “I feel like he’s trying to control me. It’s humiliating!”

Steven, who goes to the gym six days a week, insists he’s only thinking about his wife’s health. “I had a weight problem as a kid, and I know how it feels,” he says. “Besides, I don’t want to drop dead of a heart attack at 45, like my father did. I wish Nanette were as conscientious about her well-being. If she doesn’t care now, what’s she going to look like in 10 years?”

“I’ve tried to get myself to exercise, but I can’t muster up the enthusiasm,” she says. “Six months ago, I went on a diet and lost seven pounds. I thought that would improve our sex life, but that was when Steven decided I was still too fat to be seductive.”

“It’s obvious he’s lost interest in our marriage,” she adds. “When he comes home, we hardly talk. I read, he watches TV and we go to sleep.”

“This couple has to decide whether or not to continue their relationship,” says Patricia Hudson, Ph.D., a marital therapist in the Dallas/Fort Worth, Texas, area, and author of “The Solution-Oriented Woman” (W.W. Norton, 1996). “Steven talks to Nanette as if she were a child; she, in turn, responds with a childish rebellion and starts eating too much.”

“Steven has a poor self-image, having grown up battling a weight problem,” she says. “However, he’s projecting his feelings onto his wife, indirectly saying, `I won’t love you unless you’re thin.’ He can ask her to work out with him, but he can’t demand that she look a certain way.”

When these two began counseling, it became clear to their therapist that Nanette and Steven both had unresolved issues from childhood that had a big impact on how they dealt with each other.

Steven came from a family of hearty eaters and couch potatoes in a generation that hadn’t yet become fat- and fitness-conscious. His mother called his pudgy cheeks “cute,” but his classmates and the neighborhood children teased and humiliated him mercilessly. After the devastating early death of his father, Steven finally got himself into shape, vowing never to let himself be fat again. He was attracted to Nanette’s slimness, but when she started putting on weight after the wedding, the old feelings resurfaced, and he projected his own fears of being heavy onto her.

Nanette had grown up with a critical father who rarely praised her and often snapped, “Can’t you do anything right?” Her sense of inadequacy came flooding back when Steven rejected her in bed and nagged her about her weight. Miserable, she turned to food for comfort.

Tensions between the couple eased as they came to understand how their childhood roles were affecting their relationship, and they agreed that they didn’t want a divorce. The counselor suggested they start rebuilding their marriage by making time for each other. Steven asked Nanette to come with him to the gym and set up an appointment for her with a personal trainer. Although reluctant at first, Nanette became more enthusiastic after a few weeks as she began to see results. She also met with a nutritionist who helped her set up a healthful diet.

After Steven realized that his nagging was hurting their relationship, he stopped immediately, and assured Nanette that he loved and desired her no matter what her size. Secure in their love and energized by their workouts, the two have enjoyed more freedom and fun in the bedroom. They’ve pledged to spend more time pursuing leisure activities together (apart from the gym) and to go out on “date nights” every Saturday.