Discipline Methods Can Vary

Thirty or so years ago, experts began telling parents that high self-esteem would lead to better grades and better behavior, and prevent drug and alcohol abuse.

Unfortunately, it just hasn’t turned out that way. In fact research strongly suggests that “good” self esteem may dispose certain people — children included — to antisocial and/or self-destructive behavior. As it turns out, “good self esteem is good” is not the only example of a child-rearing myth propagated by parenting pundits.

Myth: Parents should be consistent in how they discipline their children, lest their children become confused.

Fact: Parents need to be consistent in what they discipline for, but not in how they discipline. More important than the method is the message, and the same disciplinary message can be sent in numerous ways.

Let’s say a 9-year-old has a full-blown public outburst because his parents refuse to buy him a toy he sees in a store. His parents could take him home and confine him to his room for the rest of the day. The next time a public tantrum occurs, it would be perfectly OK for them to make him cancel a weekend sleep-over at a friend’s house.

Myth: Parents need to discipline immediately after a misbehavior occurs, or the child in question may not be able to connect misbehavior and consequence.

Fact: This certainly is true for toddlers, but once a child develops long-term memory — usually around age 3 — consequences for misbehavior can be delayed accordingly.

The fact is, it’s often impossible to come up with a suitable consequence at the moment misbehavior occurs. Not a problem. An older 3-year-old can still connect the consequence with the misbehavior if the consequence is delayed as much as a day. By age 5, a child can easily relate to a week-long delay. And for a teenager, well, the sky’s the limit.

Myth: Most misbehavior should be ignored, since giving it attention is likely to perpetuate it.

Fact: Again, this is true of toddlers. After all, it’s not reasonable to expect a 2-year-old to know public tantrums are a social faux pas. So, when a tantrum occurs, you take said toddler to a relatively private place and ignore his screams until they go away.

On the other hand, a 3-year-old who throws a tantrum in a store needs to be taken home without that toy he was looking forward to. In most cases, a child who misbehaves needs to be punished. Not always, mind you, because in some cases, especially if the misbehavior in question is not recurrent, just a stern look accompanied, perhaps, by a few equally stern words will do the trick.

But if a misbehavior occurs often, or is really outrageous, punishment is the order of the day. In either situation, the child needs to get the message that the wrongdoing will not, under any circumstances, be tolerated.

What’s the best way to punish? Take away valuable freedom and/or privilege. Something as simple as sending a child to his/her room for an hour, or even the rest of the day, is generally very effective.

Next column: More parenting myths.