Support Spouse In Depressed State

“My husband Neil is so self-centered, he refused to take me seriously when I talked about suicide,” says Robyn, 33. “Maybe if he had said he loved me and promised to work on our marriage, I wouldn’t have swallowed all those pills. I could never please Neil; he constantly complains that I’m not interested in sex, and he expects me to be a perfect housewife.”

“For 48 hours, the doctors didn’t know if they could save her,” says Neil, 31, the owner of a construction company. “Apparently she took enough pills to kill a dozen people. I stood by numb and paralyzed, feeling useless.” Now he doesn’t know how to deal with his wife: “I don’t know much about depression and I want to help - but how?”

Neil admits that he often brushed off Robyn’s complaints that he didn’t love or appreciate her, thinking she was just moody and overtired. “I’ve told Robyn over and over to slow down and relax,” he says. Their sex life suffered as well. Neil says, “Every time I touch her she stiffens and jerks away, saying she’s too tired. We haven’t made love in over a year.”

Robyn, formerly an office manager for a small ad agency, admits she’s probably been depressed all her life. “I grew up with a boozed-up mother,” she says. “Mom was too lazy and selfish to wash my clothes and feed me properly; she couldn’t care less about the welfare of me or my younger brother.” Robyn survived by excelling in school and keeping the house clean, but she could never win her mother’s approval.

Meeting Neil six years ago at a local bar seemed to be a turning point in Robyn’s life. “When I met him, he was so gentle and sweet and a self-starter,” she says. Neil remembers: “Robyn was so pretty and smart; we really hit it off that night. She was like a vulnerable little child, telling me about her family troubles. I just wanted to take care of her.” Nearly three years later, on a trip to Las Vegas, the couple married.

But soon after their wedding, Robyn noticed a drastic change in her husband’s behavior. “Neil used to compliment me all the time on how I looked or how I kept the house; now he hardly seemed to notice me at all,” she says.

Stressed both at home and at work Robyn began suffering debilitating migraines. She saw a doctor, who prescribed a powerful painkiller.

Lonely and overwhelmed, Robyn was driven to desperation after one awful night. “Neil had some friends over to watch a football game, and I was once again playing the thankless hostess,” she recalls. “Then my mother came over, told me what a wreck my house was, drank a bottle of wine and passed out in the guest room. To top it off, later that evening I got a call from Ed, my boss, who told me that business was bad and he couldn’t afford to keep me on staff. I was fired.”

Robyn left the house, went to a motel and swallowed her bottle of painkillers. Just before losing consciousness, she called Ed to tie up some business matters. Suspecting something was terribly wrong, her boss questioned her, then called an ambulance.

“I still don’t understand why she did it,” Neil says. “I mean, I know she got depressed sometimes, but Robyn means more to me than anything in this world. I love her.”

“When Neil ignored Robyn’s depression, she turned her rejection inward; this plummet in her self-esteem, along with the loss of her job, eventually led to her suicide attempt,” says Jane Greer, Ph.D., a marriage counselor and co-author of “How Could You Do This To Me? Learning to Trust After Betrayal” (Doubleday, 1998). “Neil can no longer dismiss Robyn’s feelings of inadequacy and Robyn must begin sharing her feelings to make him fully understand the importance of what’s happening.”

If one partner suffers from depression, the other spouse needs to give loving support, says Greer. These suggestions can help couples endure a difficult emotional time while bridging the communication gap:

Hear your partner out. Sit down together every night - even if it’s only for five minutes - to air out any grievances.

Make a personal checklist. Ask yourself: What exactly am I feeling and thinking right now? What do I want my spouse to know that he or she may not realize?

Set aside time to reminisce about good times and pleasant memories.

Seek outside help. Sharing with your partner is one way to mend a rift, but the help of a therapist or a self-help group can also ease the pain.