Dating Again Single Parents Face Challenges When They Start A New Relationship

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the number of children living with only one parent skyrocketed from 12 percent in 1970 to 28 percent in 1996. Experts predict that percentage will spike again with the turn of the century.

Clearly, divorce and separation have changed the face of the American family — and with it, the American single scene.

“Divorced parents are dating,” says Sara Dulaney, author of “The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Single Parenting” (Alpha Books). But it’s not always easy.

“Being a single parent doesn’t mean putting your kids first all the time,” Dulaney says. “But it does mean making decisions with them in mind. They didn’t ask to be brought into the world. So you have to be a parent first.”

Does single parenthood affect men and women differently?

“It can,” says Judy Romanoss, divorced mother, consultant and head of the National Single Parents Resource Center in Boca Raton, Fla. “Men tend to struggle with frustration when the kids are home. They seem to think if kids are in another room or sleeping, sex and intimacy shouldn’t be a problem.”

Women, according to Romanoss, don’t always agree. “Single mothers tend to want to shield their children from the confusion that goes along with sexual issues,” Romanoss says. “And frankly, single women get tired. A lot of men don’t understand what it means to be a full-time mother alone. We tire out a lot faster.”

Dulaney confirms that single parents struggle with unique intimacy challenges. But she believes it’s custodial status, not gender, that fosters misunderstanding.

“I think it’s who’s got the kids and who doesn’t have the kids that comes into play,” Dulaney says, “not being male or female. Sure, most custodial parents in the ‘90s are women, but more and more men are taking on that role. And many of the men I’ve encountered, both in research and in my personal life, take it more seriously than women.”

Dulaney, a single mother and the product of a single-parent home, dated one man after her divorce who carried his own standards into her bedroom.

“He was a single parent himself,” she says. “He wouldn’t have overnight guests on his custodial weekends. And he wouldn’t stay over at my place if my son was here.”

Romanoss agrees, “Men who are custodial fathers have a similar situation to custodial mothers.”

According to the U.S. Census, more than 3 million men took on full-time parental responsibility in 1995. Fathers like Karl Anderson of Spokane, who says his choice is clear.

“I do not feel it has been difficult balancing fatherhood and a social life because there’s simply nothing to balance,” Anderson says. “Fatherhood comes first.”

That doesn’t necessarily mean single parents forgo the social scene, he says.

“If I find someone I want to date, I make the time,” Anderson says. “But I find most aspects of the single scene relatively boring, so there is really no loss for me (if it doesn’t happen).”

Boredom and social turmoil can put dating on hold for some divorced parents, according to Romanoss.

“The emotional effort necessary to juggle and develop a relationship can be a turn-off,” she says. “Sometimes learning to enjoy time alone — learning to be an independent rather than a co-dependent — is a prudent choice, especially just after a divorce.”

How children are effected by single-parent dating is another important consideration.

“Some single parents are concerned that young children won’t understand why this man or this woman is coming over,” Romanoss says, “because many young children hope their parents will get back together.”

To ease the transition, Romanoss says wait a while to bring your dates home.

Once you decide to make formal introductions, keep it friendly. “Begin by telling your children, `I want you to meet a friend of mine,’ rather than a potential lover or a date,” Romanoss says. “Remind your children that you are entitled to have friends the same way they have friends from school.”

Should your friendships take an intimate turn, honesty and boundaries take on added importance, according to Dulaney. “There is nothing wrong with having a sleeping-in relationship when your kids are around,” she says, “as long as the `someone’ doesn’t change every few months. If it’s a relationship that’s gone on for a while and is conducted in a way that is respectful, it’s probably OK.”

Dulaney says kids will sense a shift, whether you admit to it or not. “I had a pediatrician that once told me, `Always assume your child will do everything at least two days before you expect him to.’ His point was, never underestimate your child,” she says.

The key to successful single-parent dating is relatively simple, according to Dulaney.

“Make all your decisions thinking, `How will this affect my role as a parent?’ That one question will make everything you do as a single parent, including dating, easier,” she says. “That one thought will keep your priorities in line.”

This sidebar appeared with the story: How to get socially started For those who want to pursue an active social life, author Sara Dulaney and consultant Judy Romanoss offer a few basic tips: Bag a Baby Sitter: Securing reliable child care can be a single parent’s biggest nightmare, according to Romanoss. So begin your baby sitter search long before you start to date. “Look for kids that live nearby,” she says. “Meet their parents, see where they live; check out their references.” Meet Your Equal: “You don’t go to a butcher for whipped cream,” Romanoss says, “so why go to a mud wrestling tournament to meet an avid reader?” Consider book store lectures and single parent support groups when you’re out to find a new friend. Plan Ahead: If you sense your casual date might take a more intimate turn, plot out intimate possibilities. “If you have a time when your ex-spouse has the children, that’s your moment,” Dulaney says. “That’s your time to explore without concerns about the kids.”