Oscar Bore Academy Awards Rite Outdoes Its Mediocrity

Whoopi Goldberg brought her smug lounge act to the Academy Awards on Sunday night - and guess what?

She wasn’t the worst thing that the night had to offer.

In one of the most drawn-out, uninspiring, tasteless, off-center, off-color, at times absurdist and worst-of-all-boring Oscar broadcasts of the last 40-some years - which dates back to when I was first old enough to stay up and watch - the Oscar party embarrassed itself in ways that even Ed Wood couldn’t have imagined.

It’s difficult to know where to begin, so let’s start with:

Whoopi: Her entrance dressed as Queen Elizabeth I was momentarily amusing. Too bad the skit lasted several long minutes, and her costume changes became an irritatingly predictable showlong theme. Once a challenging comic, Goldberg has evolved into a curious kind of Hollywood icon, taking the film industry to task (albeit, for the most part, tamely) even as she celebrates it.

Her Las Vegas-style jokes were little more than bathroom humor, and worse, when the audience didn’t laugh, which was often, she bullied it to do so or merely laughed herself.

Debbie Allen’s dance number: A tap-dance interpretation of “Saving Private Ryan”? Please. And somebody should have told the Michael Flatley wannabe to put on a shirt.

Elia Kazan’s lifetime achievement award: This was politics pure and simple. To save his own career, the man sold out his Group Theatre friends to the infamous House Committee on Un-American Activities, and then he went on to direct a major body of film work.

Some of that work ranks among the very best of American cinema and deserves recognition. But Kazan already has been recognized, having won two Oscars - for “Gentleman’s Agreement” (1947) and “On the Waterfront” (1954, which won despite being a rationalization for informing) - and several nominations.

Hollywood’s championing of him, with the likes of Martin Scorsese and Robert De Niro glowering out at the crowd, and especially without mentioning any of the directors, writers and actors who never got a chance to work at their trade because of blacklisting, is a travesty.

“Saving Private Ryan” vs. “Shakespeare in Love”: As a fan of both films, I have no problem with them sharing awards. But I’ve never understood how the BEST DIRECTOR can be separated from BEST FILM. And ask yourself this: In 25 years, which film is likely to be remembered?

The speeches: Never have I appreciated British manners more than Sunday night. Judi Dench, Best Supporting Actress for “Shakespeare in Love,” was gracious, articulate, heartfelt and brief. Too bad the American winners didn’t follow her example. As for double-winner Benigni - Best Actor, Best Foreign Language Film for “Life is Beautiful” - well, you might as well try to lasso the wind.

Best Actor: Benigni? Best Actor? This is one category where the Golden Globes, which separates drama from comedy, has it right.

The length: It’s enough to say that this show was longer than even last year’s “Titanic” fiesta. If the producers had cut a few of the self-congratulatory film retrospectives (what was that cowboy montage, anyway?), a few of the nonmovie guest speakers (Colin Powell? John Glenn?), some of the smaller categories (Best Film Under Seven Minutes as Directed by a DreamWorks Executive in Digital Dolby Blah-Blah) and Whoopi’s mugging, we’d have been able to tune into “The Sopranos” at 9 p.m.

Fashion: Normally, I don’t comment on the way people dress. But everyone from Joan Rivers to (of all people) Roger Ebert emphasized it so much that it was impossible to ignore. Especially since, aside from Whitney Houston, the night seemed to be a fashion disaster.

And what was Celine Dion doing with that hat, auditioning for a remake of “Bugsy Malone”?

But … the night wasn’t all bad. Benigni was fun, Keiko Ibi (Best Documentary Short) was touching, Chris Rock was uncompromising, Uma Thurman was luminous, Norman Jewison was humorously inspiring, Gwyneth Paltrow paid tribute to Meryl Streep, Anne Heche knew what to do with a bad microphone and Jim Carrey, as always, made the most of his three minutes on camera. Maybe they should hire him as host for next year.