Keep Your Distance, Pal

Fri., May 28, 1999

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

There are Spokane women who say the sight of their husbands in shorts, dark knee-socks and sandals is an effective contraceptive.

* Bigfoot Babies: Ione’s Steven Thacker, the son of a longtime doll-maker, has hand-crafted a line of mythical creatures who seem right at home in the Northwest woods. Most weigh about 7 pounds and are largely made of materials found in northeastern Washington.

Call (509) 442-3460 for details.

* Another beverage stand tip: “Have some Alka-Selzter on hand in case one of the kids drinks all the lemonade,” said Liz Hart of Coeur d’Alene.

Her cousin Russell did that back in the ‘70s, when they were children. And he didn’t feel so good after drinking up all the potential profits.

* Mazda at 12 o’clock: Regular STA riders grow accustomed to seeing cars zip past the bus on the left and then cut sharply in front of it, making a sudden right turn. “Happens all the time,” one bus driver said when we mentioned this to her.

So we’re wondering. Is to time for all STA buses to be retrofitted with defensive nose-turrets?

* Take The Slice Pledge: “Out of respect for the thousands of Inland Northwesterners who have lived in or at least visited the Southeastern United States, I will refrain from ever describing our weather as humid.”

* Spot the phony songs in this list (half of the dozen are fake):

1. “Boys of Summer,” Don Henley.

2. “All Summer Long,” Beach Boys.

3. “Blowfish Summer,” Garage Sail.

4. “Summer Rain,” Johnny Rivers.

5. “Summer Song,” Chad & Jeremy.

6. “Summer Pork,” The Saucelles.

7. “Summer Wind,” Frank Sinatra.

8. “Summer Breeze,” Seals & Crofts.

9. “I Got Your Summer,” Busta Move.

10. “Edema Summer,” Bobby Catheter Four.

11. “Summer Bruise,” Mr. Man and the Dancin’ Fools Love Machine.

12. “Girly Girls of Summer,” Soul Deflation.

* The memory of which of the following makes you shudder:

1. Swimming lessons.

2. Climbing the rope in gym class.

3. Parents at your Little League games.

4. Quadratic equations.

5. Paramilitary crossing guards.

* Today’s Slice question: Rounded off to the nearest trillion, how many Inland Northwest bugs are looking forward to the start of the camping season?

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