Attention To Kids Staves Off Problems

Everyone has been looking for an answer to the questions, “Why?” and “How?” since the recent school shootings. It is human nature to try to find reasons for such horrific events.

As a mother of three boys, I cannot escape wondering about the parents of the boys who shot all those innocent people. I don’t want to judge them. I don’t know them or the circumstances of their lives. I have not walked in their shoes, therefore I will continue to struggle against placing blame there. And yet the question nags at me: Who else but the parent cares for and raises a child, whether that parent be the natural one or a surrogate one? Who else wakes them in the morning, feeds them, clothes them, sends them to school, puts a roof over their heads and makes sure they are there at the end of the day? This is the minimum we all probably do.

But how can we never notice a sad face at a meal, a reluctance to go to school, an exceptional way of dressing, or even the clothing that shows up in the laundry? If we opened the door to his or her room, would we not notice the personality reflected there?

I am proud of my three sons, one who is a high school teacher, one who is in college studying to be one, and our youngest, still at home, who is developmentally disabled. I think, after all these years, my husband and I can finally say to ourselves that we did a very good job of passing into the world positive people who want to share their positive attributes with others.

My husband and I were very young when we married, barely out of high school, and we were not much older when our first son was born. Our parents thought we were too young, but we were old enough to make a commitment and mean it, for life. On our 30th anniversary, we had our new wedding rings inscribed with “A Promise Kept” because that is what we did, but not without many, many struggles and hardships along the way. We just tried very hard to take our marriage and our family seriously, to keep communication open and to work through each problem, one at a time.

Loyalty and love and the well-being of our children kept us going. We felt that we brought them into this world and that we were absolutely and ultimately responsible for giving them a happy, stable and well-adjusted life, no matter what crisis was going on in our own lives. We were their first and always primary educators. We were their first interpreters of the world around them - you know, those endless “Why?” and “How come?” questions. We were their protectors. Home was the safe harbor.

But we also knew that discipline was essential to all children, a united front discipline, not “Mom says this and Dad says that.” Even when we disagreed, we did it in private, so the boys would have clear boundaries, a situation all children really do long for in the very confusing world of growing up. And we also took all the time we could to get to know our children. It’s pretty easy to talk to children up to 12. They still think you have the answers, and even if you are uncertain of something, you should always help them find those answers.

I guess the values got taught during those times when they’d come home from school and want to talk about their day; their friends, their fights; their good times and bad. It was sometimes frustrating that they always wanted to talk as soon as they got home, not later, but right then, I guess while things were still fresh in their very active minds.

My husband or I always went to every school conference. We met and knew well all of their teachers and principals. And when they got in trouble at school, no matter what grade, we always made it clear that we wanted to be called or be there to resolve the problem.

We also met and knew their friends. Many hours and years were spent by both of us attending and participating in their lives and their interests.

And yes, I have worked outside and inside the home. Not always full-time, not always at one job. My children and the circumstances dictated when and for how long. I found my children needed me at home when they were little and when they were teenagers, maybe especially as teenagers. When I could, under the right circumstances, I found time to do what I personally have found fulfilling - to teach and to continue my own education. Money was always short, but our priorities were always clear - our marriage and our children. The “I” in our lives never supersedes the “We.”

I decided to share my thoughts not to congratulate myself, but to simply share what I have learned in 30 years about parenting, marriage and family. Everyone talks about the breakdown of the family in our society. I do believe it is in trouble. But I also know there are a lot of good parents out there who have done things right, who have struggled and dealt with the challenges. Parents should share their stories to help those who might need it, if only to know that other parents equally fight similar, if not the same, challenges.

If we can reach out, communicate with one another and establish mutal support, maybe someday our children will live in a world where they never have to hear about a school massacre.

LEARNING FROM LOSS As investigators continue looking for answers in the Columbine High School massacre, families everywhere are seeking the strength to cope with the tragedy, learn from the incident and move on with their lives. This column is another in a series of comments from Inland Northwest parents.