Prepare For Holiday Pet-Iquette

Later this month, newspapers, magazines and Oprah will once again offer useless advice on coping with tensions at Thanksgiving gatherings.

This annual exercise in futility is based on the premise that if we all try really hard, we can get along.

What a laugh.

Let’s face it. You either know how to deal with difficult people or you don’t. End of discussion.

But pets can be a different story.

Helpful hints on interacting with and talking about animals at Thanksgiving might actually help someone. So here are Furry Talk’s Top 10 Tips — presented early so they won’t be drowned out by advice on how to keep from decking your obnoxious brother-in-law.

1. Try to downplay the fact that you are more excited about seeing Ginger’s puppies than you are about seeing your cousins.

2. If your hosts don’t let their cats go outside…

a.) don’t stupidly criticize this policy. (All the feline health/life-span statistics are on their side.)

b.) and don’t just stand there with the front door wide open.

3. Do not feed pets a ton of table scraps or give them rich, exotic foods. Volcanic pet-vomiting often dampens holiday spirit.

4. You’re visiting your fiance’s parents for the first time. And the family cat regards you with suspicion.

What to do? Don’t force it.

Sure, it would score you points with your fiance if Boots appeared to like you. But remember that cats operate on their own timetables.

Resorting to baby talk and getting down on your hands and knees will just make you look desperate. And you’ll probably get scratched.

5. After the cat scratches you, do not call it bad names.

6. Never suggest that your host’s cat or dog needs to lose weight. This rule should be observed even if the pet’s owners comment on the animal’s girth. (They’re allowed to.)

7. If pet allergies are an issue for you, don’t let yourself be talked into a situation that will be described for decades to come as “The Thanksgiving Nick’s girlfriend had to be taken to the emergency room.”

8. Never try to force a cat to wear a pilgrim costume.

9. Suppose you are the one non-relative in the room and everyone is looking at old photo albums. Don’t say “What’s the matter?” when, upon seeing a picture of a wonderful old collie that died this summer, everyone else gets quiet.

10. Don’t make a point of noting that homecoming siblings seem to show more emotion when kneeling to embrace the family dog than when greeting one another.

Different families express love in different ways. And sometimes those hug-the-dog moments say something words can’t.