Age Difference Can Create Problems

“I feel trapped in a marriage with a man who’s old enough to be my father,” says Ginny, a 29-year-old flight attendant. “Our love life is practically nonexistent, and our social life isn’t much better. Frank’s friends are mostly couples his age who barely acknowledge my presence when we get together.

“When I first met Frank, I thought he was everything I wanted - handsome, intelligent, mature and dependable,” Ginny continues. “Our 20-year age difference didn’t seem to matter back then. It wasn’t until after we were married that I found out that he’s also self-centered and utterly set in his ways.”

Frank is a commercial pilot and the father of two teenagers. He got to know Ginny after their schedules changed, and they began working on the same flights from their home base of Dallas.

Although Frank’s divorce from his first wife, Marianne, wasn’t yet final, he and Ginny quietly began seeing each other. “It was the most exciting relationship I’d ever had,” Ginny says.

Shortly after the divorce, she pressed Frank to marry her. The two took a romantic trip to Maui, where they exchanged vows.

But the honeymoon ended after they moved home. “Frank wanted his kids to stay with us until school began,” says Ginny. “Big mistake. With Amanda and Joey around, Frank and I had no privacy. They became manipulative, trying to pit me against their mother. Every time I tried to do something nice for them, Marianne would sabotage it.”

Ginny says that in the last year, their relationship has become tense and cold. “We hardly have sex anymore because we’re on different flight schedules - not that I’m ever in the mood,” she says. She also feels unwelcome around Frank’s friends, who were close to Marianne, and thinks that the wives may see her as a possible threat to their own marriages. “And when I want to go out with one of my friends, Frank acts wounded,” Ginny adds.

Most recently, the couple has been arguing over whether to start a family. “Frank knew I wanted children when we got married,” says Ginny. “Now he says he’s too old to start changing diapers again. I hate the thought that I may never be a mother, but I don’t want my baby growing up with an uncaring father.”

Frank agrees his friends are a bit judgmental, but says that they’ve been more than cordial to Ginny. “Yes, they were skeptical because of our age difference,” he says.”

As for having more children, he feels it would put a damper on the plans he had for his future. “I might want to retire at 55 while I’m still young enough to enjoy myself,” he says. “But if we had a baby, I’d have to keep working, and our savings would all go toward clothes, braces and college. I don’t know if I’m ready for that.

“I want my kids to stay with us during the summers, and granted, it is hard to be intimate when they’re around. But even when we’re alone, Ginny shows no interest in sex. I love my wife…, but if she’s so unhappy with me and our life, maybe she should just go.”

“Frank and Ginny live in a fantasy world,” say James Sniechowski, Ph.D., and Judith Sherven, Ph.D., relationship counselors. “It’s pretty clear these two went into their marriage not seriously considering the 20-year age difference.

Both partners need to “grow up, stop complaining and acting like victims,” say Sniechowski and Sherven. Frank and Ginny must address their age-gap problems and resolve to put the baby issue on the back burner until their marriage is on more solid ground. “Frank and Ginny have to learn how to communicate and assume responsibility for their problems before they can even entertain this idea,” they say.

Ginny and Frank’s counselor noted that many May-December marriages succeed despite the wide age gap. In therapy, the couple said that they did love each other and were willing to work on repairing their relationship.

Both spouses agreed that the way Frank’s children behaved was way out of line, but that it was he, not Ginny, who should handle the problem. He told them in no uncertain terms that they were to treat his wife respectfully when they were in his home.

For the time being, Frank and Ginny have decided to go out alone with their own friends until everyone in their social circle is more comfortable with the idea of their relationship. And while they haven’t yet resolved the issue of having a child together, Frank says he’s more open to the idea now.

“Maybe I can start investing more aggressively so I can still retire relatively young,” he says. “And I know Ginny would make a great mother.”