Bridge Gap Between Parent, Child
Are you looking to have a better relationship with the next generation of adults?
Consider these suggestions some of them surprisingly obvious from Patricia Hersch, a magazine journalist who recently spent three years immersed in life at a suburban high school. Hersch is the author of “A Tribe Apart: A Journey into the Heart of American Adolescence” (Ballantine, $14 paperback).
* Be real. “The world of regular, everyday adolescents is not what you expect. Get out of denial and get informed. Kids will never accept guidance from adults who are unaware of their reality.”
* Be available. “Most kids think their parents are available to them during the workday for life-threatening emergencies only. But many of the dilemmas of adolescence are less dramatic by adult standards but vitally important to the youngster. Just knowing you’re there for them makes a big difference.”
* Be involved. “No matter what they say, the kids like it when their parents show interest in what they are doing.” Ideas to stay involved range from such obvious ones as attending their school and sports activities to letting them choose an activity for the family to do together. Hersch also recommends “visiting them in their own space,” i.e. their bedroom, and car-pooling as often as possible; it provides the added advantage of getting to hear them talk to each other.
* Be the adult you are. “Neither be intimidated nor gullible. You can set boundaries and they will be secretly appreciated.” Among those boundaries are curfews, “but this means staying awake until the kids come home.” And don’t buy the time-honored ploy of a late-night decision to sleep over at a friend’s house it’s most likely an excuse to party or who knows what else.
* Get to know each other. “Communication is a two-way street. Share information about your day, your youth and your feelings.”
* Network with other parents. “The best safeguard of healthy fun for your child is knowing the parents of their friends and communicating with each other.”
* Create wholesome options. “Ultimately, the thing adolescents want most is to be with each other. If adults in the community are persistent in setting boundaries and diligent in orchestrating healthy, fun opportunities for kids to socialize, eventually new options can become popular. But involve kids in planning and be patient it takes a while for something different to catch on.”
* Hug them. “If you’ve always had a warm connection to your child, don’t drop it because they suddenly seem so big and grown up.” That’s not to say it’s a good idea to plant a kiss on them in public, “but a warm hug or an affectionate touch are reminders of how some things remain the same even when everything else is changing.”