Please, Keep The Relocation To Yourself

It’s time to add another question to the Inland Northwest Residency Application Quiz.

“Do you promise to not try to make yourself sound dramatic by telling dates you moved here through the witness relocation program?”

* New adjectives, please: Mary Jean Tranfo is weary of TV shows and movies being described as “edgy” or “gritty.”

Yeah, especially when they almost invariably turn out to be neither.

* Revenue enhancement: For a while there, it looked like gas prices might rise almost to the per-gallon rate charged by car rental agencies when you return a vehicle with less than a full tank.

* Banner yet waves: “Our favorite one to fly on the pole in the garden is an old Spokane County flag,” wrote Pam Galloway. “Green background with a blue diagonal slash (the river) and bright yellow disc (the sun) in the center with a red silhouette of an Indian head with headdress.”

* Rumor mongering: 1. Some people driving around Spokane with kayak carriers atop their cars do not own kayaks and are doing it just for looks.

2. At least one local grocery store, the contents of the recycling bins are simply dumped in the trash out back when nobody’s looking.

3. A Lilac princess playing strip-poker once got down to her ceremonial semi-crown and not much else.

4. Several Spokane extramarital affairs started in book groups.

5. Ticks keep DNA records.

* C’mon, c’mon, people are waiting: Parents who occasionally ride the bus tend to be more impressive stroller-wranglers than parents in minivans.

* Just wondering: OK, suppose you rigged up a decibel-defense system in which small missiles were launched from your front porch targeting cars with obnoxiously loud THUMPA THUMPA THUMPA stereos. Would a jury convict you if a few minor injuries were part of the collateral damage?

* Signs that there’s something wrong with you: 1. You drive around with one of those magnetic pizza-place signs atop your car even though you do not deliver pizzas for a living.

2. You enjoy the episodes of ‘60s sitcoms in which Jerry Van Dyke was a guest star.

3. Nothing about The Wake-Up Review bugs you.

4. You think taking meth-amphetamines is a good idea.

5. No one hearing your baby’s name could possibly spell it.

* Today’s Slice question: Who around here looks most like the woman on the new dollar coin?