Ted Turner Interview Almost Like Being There
I planned to drive to Pullman on Friday and hang with Ted Turner when he arrived at Washington State University to receive a journalism award.
Then came the announcement that Turner “would not talk to the press.”
Most reporters would consider this a setback, but not an innovator like me.
Turner is big on the environment. I figured he wouldn’t mind if I dug through the newspaper’s files and recycled some of his actual quotes from past stories.
I just plugged ‘em in as answers to the questions I would have asked had Mr. Big Shot not been such a snooty man.
I may start doing all my interviews this way. You save a lot of gas.
DOUG: “Mr. Turner, you look great. Here you are, 61 years old and you still have a great mop of hair and appear to be in terrific shape. Do you have any secrets for the balding overweight men of America like me?”
VIRTUAL TED: “The one piece of advice I can give you is put on sunscreen and wear a hat.”
DOUG: “I guess they don’t call you `Captain Outrageous’ for nothing.”
VIRTUAL TED: “At one time or another I’ve offended just about everybody.”
DOUG: “By the smirk on your face, I can tell that you’re proud of your reputation.”
VIRTUAL TED: “If I only had a little humility, I’d be perfect.”
DOUG: “I realize this is a painful subject, but I wouldn’t be doing my job if I didn’t ask about your recent breakup with Jane Fonda. You two appeared to have such a special marriage. Who can forget you two doing the Tomahawk Chop together during Braves games? Any thoughts about Jane?”
VIRTUAL TED: “We gave it our best shot, and I enjoyed every minute of it.”
DOUG: “Now, now. Tell the truth. What do you really think of her?”
VIRTUAL TED: “I just don’t like cows.”
DOUG: “That’s harsh. Was being around Jane Fonda that bad?”
VIRTUAL TED: “Ever seen a Polish mine detector?”
DOUG: “All right, Mr. Turner, put your foot down. I get the point. Moving along to a happier subject, WSU is honoring you for representing the ideals of esteemed journalist Edward R. Murrow. Come on. Don’t you think comparing Ted Turner to a giant like the late Murrow is a bit of a stretch?”
VIRTUAL TED: “Kiss mine. I made a billion dollars.”
DOUG: “Well, sure, you’ve got dough. I’ll give you that. But critics would say you’ve made a lot of your money through deplorable ways like colorizing `Casablanca’ or showing TV wrassling. How do you explain your success?”
VIRTUAL TED: “The United States has got some of the dumbest people in the world. I want you to know that. We know that. It’s a disgrace.”
DOUG: “Mr. Turner, you’re a bit of a loose cannon, aren’t you?”
VIRTUAL TED: “Like my psychiatrist said: `We are all different. We are all like snowflakes.”’ DOUG: “Fine. Well, back to the subject that brought you here. As the founder of the Cable News Network, would you still recommend broadcast journalism as a good career opportunity for today’s college students?”
VIRTUAL TED: “It’s a good way to get rid of a few nuts.”
DOUG: “Are you suggesting that broadcast journalism gives the kooks something to do?”
VIRTUAL TED: “At least they didn’t go in like those SOBs who go in a McDonald’s or the post office and shoot a lot of innocent people, then shoot themselves.”
DOUG: “In light of your many achievements, where would you rank receiving the Murrow Award from WSU?”
VIRTUAL TED: “Of all the things I hadn’t accomplished, this was the one thing I really wanted.”
DOUG: “You’re lying, aren’t you?”
VIRTUAL TED: “Kiss mine. I made a billion dollars.”