How Life Really Is Like Bad Television

Tue., Aug. 8, 2000

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

A TV character was talking about romance. But it almost sounded if she were going off on life in Spokane.

“Practically all relationships I know are built on a foundation of lies and mutually accepted delusion.”

* G-rated nickname for breasts: Joann Ritchie’s young granddaughter calls them “puffers.”

* Speaking of breasts: Colville’s Ruth Anne Forman recalled the time a 4-year-old neighbor girl watched with fascination as she nursed her baby. “Using a family term, I explained he was getting milk right from his mommy,” said Forman. “When I switched to the other side, the girl looked puzzled.”

Then the kid figured it out.

“Is that one for orange juice?” the child asked.

* Bug story: “Several years back, I was practicing my backstroke at a local pool when a yellowjacket decided to fly into my mouth,” wrote Mark Schrag of Davenport. “Naturally, I promptly spat it out.”

A lifeguard then waved him over and scolded him for spitting in the pool.

* Speaking of bug stories: Apparently getting stung on the scrotum is not all that unusual.

* Product-use confusion: “I was running late for a meeting and discovered I was out of hair spray,” wrote Donna Squibb of Tekoa. “I hurried down to my mother’s house (next door), ran into the bathroom, grabbed the can and liberally sprayed my hair with room deodorizer.”

* Speaking of product-use confusion: Apparently mistaking certain feminine care products for toothpaste is not all that unusual.

* What Spokane would look like if property owners landscaped exclusively with vegetation that did not require watering: “Tucson, Arizona.” - Jan Parker

* Close enough: We heard about a local boy who warned that promiscuous intimate social congress leads to the spread of “FTDs.”

And then there was a Spokane man who thought some media outlet was holding a “worst tacos” contest. That is, before family members informed him it was a “worst potholes” contest.

* Warm-up questions: Whose flip-flops make the most noise? Ever get punched because of something your date/wife said to a stranger?

* Today’s Slice question: What’s your best cheapskate tip for saving money? (Suggestions should be aboveboard. So don’t recommend stealing toilet paper from work.)

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