Quick, Get The Scissors

When the Portland Trail Blazers offered Brian Grant $42 million, he turned down the Trail Blazers. When Cleveland wanted to pay him $93 million, he said, “no thanks.”

Portland came back with an offer of $70 million, which Grant rejected.

Offers T.J. Simers of the Los Angeles Times: “It’s not as if anyone is asking the guy to get his hair cut.”

He’s not a big fan

Simers offers a heads up to Los Angeles-area gang members updating their monthly planners: “When considering potential riot dates, do not make the mistake of basing it on a traditional best-of-7 games format: the WNBA championship will be a best-of-3 series, wrapping up Aug. 27.

“Also note, there will be no big-screen TV outside the Forum, because it’s the desire of WNBA officials that someone go to the game.

“As for the Sparks’ victory parade, the team has yet to designate which Ralph’s parking lot the rented pickups will circle.”

Shooting bricks in the desert heat

Let’s go with another tale from Simers:

“It was about 9 p.m. in Las Vegas and Ken Delpit was resting at home when his brother Ron, who works on behalf of the Venetian Casino and Hotel, called asking him to play pick-up basketball with some of the hotel’s guests.

“Ken, a former player at Cal State Northridge, tried to beg out, but when pressed he reported to the gym and found himself playing on the same team with the NBA’s MVP, Shaquille O’Neal.

“`Shaq played point guard,’ reported Ron Delpit, `and was leading the two-on-one break down the court. We played for more than two hours, and in between the games, Shaq worked on his free throws.’ “Yeah,” responds Simers, “when I want to work on my free throws, Las Vegas is the first place I go.”

A good movie is cheaper

Where do men and women prefer to go on a first sports date? According to a survey by SportsDating.com, the sexes have vastly different opinions.

More than 500 female sports fans responded to the survey and a majority wanted to go to a baseball or football game. The top choice was baseball (41 percent), followed by football (32 percent).

Of the more than 500 men polled, 32 percent believed a woman would prefer figure skating. The women gave that 10 percent of their votes.

The men also believed their dates would enjoy women’s tennis (22 percent), but only 4 percent of the women chose that sport.

In fact, 78 percent of the men thought women preferred to view female sports. But only 16 percent of the women responded that way.

The last word …

“I noticed you never have anything positive to write about anyone.”

- An e-mail, delivered to - who else? - T.J. Simers.

The last word on the last word…

“I noticed you have the same problem.”

- Simers’ reply