Spouses Must Talk About Their Differences
My husband has made it clear he wants nothing to do with me. Whenever I try to show him any affection, he shrugs me off, and we haven’t made love in months,” says Lainie, 35, a paralegal. “I know my moodiness has turned Hugh off; the problem is, I can’t help it. I feel like I’ve got perpetual PMS!
“I easily lose my patience with everyone: Hugh, my mother, the cashier in the grocery store, my co-workers,” Lainie adds. “I wish I could help myself, but I can’t seem to stop, and it’s been getting worse lately. I have a part-time nanny and my mother and sisters to watch my daughter and stepson. We have enough money to live on, but I still feel miserable and completely stressed-out. What’s wrong with me? Am I going crazy?”
Hugh, 42, a medical malpractice attorney, says he loves Lainie, but he can’t put up with her frequent mood swings.
“Who wants to live with a woman who’s sweet one day and very difficult the next?” he says. “Most of the time I don’t want to be near Lainie, much less make love to her. When I think about kissing her, something inside me stops and I just can’t.”
The couple married four years ago, after being introduced by a mutual friend.
Their first year of marriage was like a honeymoon, says Lainie. Then Hugh announced that he’d obtained permanent custody of his son Mark, effective immediately.
“We live in an excellent school district, and Hugh and his ex-wife felt that it would be better for Mark to live with his dad,” Lainie explains. “They made the arrangements in court without including me.
“I do love Mark, but I wasn’t prepared to be the instant mother of an 8-year-old,” Lainie adds. “I began worrying who would take care of him after school, help with his homework, take him to and from his mom’s house on weekends and holidays, do that extra laundry and plan dinners. I was also hoping to get pregnant soon. But Hugh never even asked me how I felt about raising his son.”
Lainie did become pregnant shortly after Mark came to live with them. Now she’s working part-time and parenting Jamie, now 3, who needs lots of attention, and Mark, who at 12 is sometimes surly and disrespectful to his stepmother.
“Sometimes I suspect there are things she doesn’t want to do around the house, but she does them anyway, without asking for help,” Hugh says. “In the last few months, things have gotten a lot worse. She snipes at me and at the kids constantly. Why can’t she drop this attitude and be the loving, sweet wife she used to be?”
When the couple first came to therapy, Hugh seemed to have given up hope. The fact that he’d withdrawn his affection and seemed uninterested in Lainie sexually was a sign that he had already begun to “check out” of the relationship. However, since Lainie insisted that she did love him and wanted desperately to solve their problems, Hugh agreed to attend joint sessions.
Their counselor suggested Lainie might be suffering from mild depression. Having been brought up not to complain or ask for what she wanted, she kept her feelings bottled up until she became a powder keg, ready to explode at the slightest provocation. With no idea how to react to her temper fits, Hugh did nothing at all, and Lainie interpreted that as a lack of interest in her feelings.
The counselor referred Lainie to a psychiatrist, who prescribed an antidepressant for her. After about two weeks on the medication, Lainie noticed a considerable change; she felt calmer and became less agitated over everyday hassles.
Medication gave Lainie a greater sense of control, but now the couple had to take responsibility for improving the communication between them. Hugh had to stop negating Lainie’s feelings every time she disagreed with him or felt unhappy.
Couples always disagree, added the counselor. It’s acceptable - even preferable - to voice grievances, as long as it’s done in a calm and nonconfrontational manner. Lainie needed to recognize when her anger was, indeed, justified and to express herself the moment a problem came up rather than pushing her unhappiness away and letting it fester.
Once Lainie realized that her husband wouldn’t reject her if she spoke her mind, they were able to negotiate problems without yelling. Hugh took on more responsibility around the house and with the children, which made Lainie feel less burdened. Now that Lainie’s mood swings were under control, tension between the two eased, and it wasn’t long before the two were able to renew an active and enjoyable married life.