Those With ‘The Scoot’ Must Work Twice As Hard

Has this ever happened to you? You see a guy walking down the street, a block distant, his back to you, and suddenly your brain registers who he is.

You have no idea how you figured it out. But as you catch up with him at Riverside, you realize you are correct. You further realize, to your astonishment, that you didn’t recognize him by his face or even his clothes. You recognized him by his walk.

A person’s walk is as distinctive as a person’s signature, possibly even more so, since a person’s signature can be forged. But a person’s walk — nobody can forge that unless you happen to be John Cleese or Marcel Marceau or the kind of smart-aleck kid gifted in imitating the dorky way the teacher walks. (Now that’s what I call entertainment.)

A walk is like a fingerprint, although I suppose you would more accurately call it a toeprint. Everybody has their own walk, but walks can also be grouped into a number of broad categories. I have spent time recently at sidewalk cafes, latte in hand, studying the various walk-styles. See if you can recognize your friends’ walks in any of these groups, or even your own walk:

The Scoot: An extremely busy style of walking in which a person’s legs seem to be moving twice as fast as necessary. Scooters are often short people who understandably feel the need to move their legs double-time in order to keep up with tall people (see The Lope).

The Glide: A graceful, attractive style in which a person seems to merely shimmer down a street. The feet seem to be effortlessly moving in front of one other, as on an invisible balance beam. Often the result of dance lessons in a person’s childhood.

The Lope: A long-legged stride that covers an immense amount of ground. Not as graceful or smooth as a The Glide, but faster and more purposeful. Lopers are often runners, and I don’t mean any old runner. I mean the kind who can do Bloomsday in under 45 minutes.

The Bustle: Closely resembling The Scooter, with double-time legs. However, the Bustler adds an even busier upper body to the walk, swinging the arms importantly and throwing the shoulders around like a person who has places to go and walls to crash through.

The Shamble: A slow, indolent walk in which the feet barely come off the ground. The direction tends toward zig-zag, as if the Shambler doesn’t know exactly where he is going, which may in fact be true. However, the Shambler may have somewhere to go but doesn’t want to appear particularly uptight about getting there. Very popular with teenagers.

The Roll: A common walk among the young, in which a shoulder dips down with every step, often accompanied by a hand reaching down toward the knee. Not a terribly efficient form of locomotion, but one with lots of style.

The Ungainly: This is an awkward walk in which the various working parts of the body never quite seem to mesh with one other. The shoulders go one way while the legs go another. Often accompanied by frequent little stumbles over obstructions such as sidewalk cracks. This walk is extremely common, and nothing to be ashamed of. It is merely evidence that most of us were not born with perfect coordination.

The Strut: The head is thrown back, the shoulders are thrown back, and the legs lead the way. Modeled after drum majors, or possibly certain roosters.

The Stately: A slow, dignified processional down the sidewalk, resembling nothing so much as the Queen Elizabeth II coming in to dock. An impressive style, particularly among those who have at least 70 years experience in walking.

The Deliberate: A distinctive, thoughtful kind of walk in which the person seems to put an inordinate amount of thought into moving one foot ahead of another. Resembles a person pacing in deep contemplation as opposed to an actual method of getting down the sidewalk. Often accompanied by furrowed brow.

The Rolling Thud: An almost painful looking walk in which each foot seems to crash hard onto the earth in the manner of Godzilla. Sometimes this stems from a physiological cause, such as hip problems or maybe love-handle problems, but it is often just a particular assertive personal style.

The Wide Stride: Instead of the feet going straight out in front, each step is thrust out almost sideways. Takes up almost the whole sidewalk.

The Bounce: This is a jaunty kind of walk in which the person rolls off the balls of the feet in a cheerful little bounce. Bouncers do this even, presumably, when they are in a bad mood.

Well, did you recognize your own walk? I’ll bet you didn’t, because our walks are like our derrieres. We never get to see ‘em.

You’ll have to ask your loved ones, because they know your walk far better than you do. You might not like what you hear. But remember, no particular walk is better than any other walk, just like no fingerprint is better than any other. On the other hand, no smart-aleck kid will ever imitate your dorky fingerprint.