Nimrods Guarantee Holiday Joy

It all happened a long time ago.

And it has mostly been forgotten.

But Santa Claus had these two nephews who lived on Spokane’s North Side. Their names were Dwayne and Earl.

Dwayne worked in a body shop and drank. Earl hardly worked at all.

These two bachelor brothers weren’t all that smart, and they had poor personal hygiene.

They were always asking their famous uncle for money.

Santa would shake his head and sigh. Then he’d grumble and send them a check.

Not a big one, mind you. Just enough to keep the boys’ creditors from breaking down the door.

Even so, he suspected they blew it on beer and lottery tickets.

Finally, the day came when Santa had had enough. It was early December, and he was busy. He had no time for collect calls from Spokane and lame stories about doctor bills and rent increases.

So the big man with the white beard wrote his nephews a letter. Here’s what it said: “It is time for the two of you to show that you know the meaning of giving.”

The note arrived during a blizzard.

Dwayne and Earl were perplexed. They were both confirmed takers.

“Giving?” asked Earl.

“Giving,” said Dwayne.

They repaired to a dark tavern to do some serious thinking.

“What do people around here need?” Earl wondered aloud. “A bicycle or something?”

Well, times were tough back then. People in Spokane did a lot of doing without. But a bicycle wasn’t the answer.

“Maybe we could get some kid to shovel somebody’s walk,” said Earl.

Dwayne made a face.

But then something amazing happened. He had an idea.

“Uncle always says the best gifts have nothing to do with money,” said Dwayne.

“So?” said Earl, who was eating a pickled egg in a disgusting manner.

“So we’ll give the present that doesn’t cost a cent,” said Dwayne, now smiling like he’d found a quarter in a pay phone.

Santa’s nephews proceeded to do just that.

Dwayne turned to the bartender. “Bill,” he said. “I believe you’re not totally bald yet. But at the rate you’re going, you might be by tomorrow.”

Soon this spirit of sharing spread.

And that’s why, every year right about now, people in Spokane give one another a hard time.

It all started with Santa’s nephews.

When Santa heard about this, he closed his eyes and moaned. Then he vowed to make sure that Christmas was extra special for the people of Spokane, on account of feeling guilty about what his nephews had done.

And every year since way back then, he has kept his promise.

* Today’s Slice question: What’s the worst excuse you’ve ever heard?