Through Conflict Find Harmony

Sat., Feb. 26, 2000

Paul Graves The Spokesman-Revie

It’s all around us, not to mention within us. So as we approach the Christian season of Lent (March 8 is Ash Wednesday), I thought another visit to the silent partner of spirituality was in line.

I’m talking about conflict.

Conflict is inevitable. But we can decide if our conflicts will transform us or deform us. These are very important distinctions we must make as we weave our ways through the times of conflict in our lives.

The setting can be our nuclear family, our work, our school, friendships, our faith family. Wherever we are, we will be a part of conflict.

Today’s question is: Will it be transforming conflict or deforming conflict?

If conflict is an ugly word for you, please think again! Conflict in and of itself isn’t always bad, sinful, harmful. The Latin word “conflictus” means “to strike together.”

Can you think of any strike-together actions that have very positive motives and effects? Matches make fire? Sand plus oyster equals pearl? Think hard. They are there.

Can you think of some positive conflict in the faith family of which you are a part? I think there are great examples of positive conflict in church.

Because I believe that at its root, conflict is an issue of personal and community spirituality.

Whether a conflict is viewed as positive or negative depends so much on the church family and pastor deciding who is in charge: the conflict, themselves or God.

Conflict is one of the worst-kept secrets in the church. Conflict is the elephant in the sanctuary (or classroom or board room or church office) that nobody talks about but everybody works so foolishly to avoid.

I have a basic two-edged theory as to why conflict is such a forbidden subject in (dare I generalize) every church, synagogue and mosque in our country. In the world even.

This theory is not just for Christians but could easily include every religious expression of which I am aware.

My basic two-edged theory: We either don’t have a clue about God’s deepest desire for humankind, or we are so fearful of the truth we know that we pretend we don’t know it.

What is God’s deepest desire for humankind? If you regularly read this column, you know my answer: God’s radical hospitality.

And we of the church usually make a mockery of that radical hospitality. It’s like we think conflict can only deform us. Is it because, deep down radically, we don’t believe that the Good News of Jesus offered us in conflict will really transform our lives? Or do we simply not believe it enough to give the Good News a serious chance to work?

But look around you! In countless lives every day, the Gospel message transforms deforming conflicts into conflicts that provoke inner spirit-growth that changes enemies into friends, that reconciles relationships thought to be irreconcilable.

So why are we so unready to believe conflict can transform the relationship we have with our pastors or others in leadership roles? Or how about with the people who got their way in the recent church remodeling project, or the new sanctuary, or the new youth program?

Why is it so difficult to deal with the conflicts we feel deeply inside on any number of things within the church, things that run the whole gamut from highly significant to super petty?

I suspect it has something to do with the strange notion that if we don’t admit conflict exists in the church, we just might fool God into thinking we’re healthier than we are.

If that’s anywhere near being true, we really don’t have a clue about what God truly wants for us. Or we are sons and daughters of Jonah who do know that God really is gracious and merciful, and we can’t stand it!

Do you have an elephant in your sanctuary? Most churches do.

So what do you want to let it do to your church family? Here are a few transforming suggestions:

Lead the elephant out of the sanctuary (identify and resolve the conflict together).

Make that elephant into a wonderful reminder that God’s radical hospitality can transform the most difficult conflict into a conflict that gives new life to a congregation and its people.

As you read this column, I am in Milwaukee, getting acquainted with our month-old granddaughter, Claire. So be prepared for some Claire and Katie columns in the future!

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