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Yossarian said he refused to fly any more bomber missions over Italy because he was crazy. But, his superiors reasoned, that proved Yossarian was sane. Only a crazy man would agree to fly more missions. Therefore, a man who refused to fly them was definitely sane. This catch became known as “Catch-22” in Joseph Heller’s brilliant anti-war novel.
Bud Selig wants to find out if John Rocker is off his rocker.
And, baseball’s antic commissioner says, when he has thoroughly evaluated the shrinkage on Rocker, he will determine what action should be taken.
That would seem to raise the possibility of Catch-23.
Which goes like this: If the psychologists determine that only a pathologically disturbed left-hander - and isn’t that oxymoronic? - would verbally nuke just about every ethnic group on the planet, what’s the point?
At that point, don’t you just remand him to counseling, sensitivity training, whatever, and make sure his arm is ready for Opening Day?
But if the evaluators determine he’s saner than the editorial board of the New England Journal of Medicine, then what? Wouldn’t that prove he’s the Second Coming of George Wallace, Bull Connor and Gerald L.K. Smith?
Rocker seems to be in the same fix as Yossarian. If he’s judged mentally incompetent, he’ll be cleared for a return to pitching after therapy. But if he’s of sound mind, well, the Bud Bunch forced Marge Schott out for a year, right?
Not so fast …
Those guttural howls of outrage in the background are the first Y2K signs that the Major League Baseball Players Association will be as difficult to deal with as it was in the last century.
If MLB had been entrusted with the government’s atomic secrets immediately after World War II, they would have been long gone to Moscow by the time Julius and Ethel Rosenberg were ready to give them up.
Got any hot secrets, Bud?
“Well, I’m not supposed to say anything until our people speak to Don Fehr’s people, but, you didn’t get this from me … “ A pre-release copy of Selig’s first official action since Rocker’s Redneck Manifesto appeared in Sports Illustrated last month dribbled into the hands of just about every news gatherer with a laptop and Web site.
“Mr. Rocker’s recent remarks to a national magazine reporter were reprehensible and completely inexcusable,” Bud’s statement said. “I am profoundly concerned about the nature of those comments as well as by certain other aspects of his behavior.”
That would probably refer to John flipping the bird to Mets fans during the National League Championship Series in Shea Stadium, when Rocker first told the world he considered Mets fans a subhuman species right out of the post-apocalypse film, “Escape From New York.” Or, to John spitting into a toll-collection basket during his wild, xenophobic ride with SI writer Jeff Pearlman.
Union hackles rose when Selig concluded he will take “whatever additional action that I consider to be necessary” after Rocker’s evaluation.
“We did not authorize the release,” said union executive Gene Orza, disturbed the union’s policy of medical confidentiality had been breached.
Bud sits there looking at his “best interests of the game” powers that worked so well for Judge Kenesaw Landis and several successors. However, since Marvin Miller turned the players’ union into an undefeated colossus, “best interests” includes everything not covered by the Basic Agreement. Meaning, if it involves anything that even hints at fines, suspensions or unilateral actions by ownership, the operative words become “arbitration” and “collective bargaining.”
Braves president Stan Kasten said baseball officials and the union have decided the evaluations are appropriate and the sides will jointly select psychologists to examine Rocker. That should be about as much fun as deciding the shape of the table at the Paris peace talks during the Vietnam War.
In its rush to be politically correct, MLB seems to be losing sight of the clear fact Rocker’s views can be found in the small talk of any biker bar. And in a lot of country club bars, as well. That makes them neither right nor actionable. There is no evidence I’m aware of that Rocker ever said any of the things he said in SI to an actual human being. Can you indict a citizen of this country for thinking out loud? I don’t think so.
And the guy who has bailed out big-time on this is Kasten.
I’ve said from the day the story broke that Rocker was a matter to be settled in-house by the Atlanta Braves. He has an angry vice president named Hank Aaron and a lot of seething teammates, including Tom Glavine, elder statesman of a pitching staff dependent on Rocker’s considerable skills as a closer.
But Atlanta civic leaders, including AIDS groups and big cigars from the city’s powerful black community, want the guy’s head on a stake.
Kasten has shoved Rocker out the castle door and ordered the drawbridge over the moat retracted.
“We have asked for his termination and will stand by that,” says a guy named Jeff Graham, executive director of Atlanta’s AIDS Survival Project. Graham said Rocker being poked over by a battery of psychologists wasn’t quite what he had in mind.
“This certainly falls short of what we asked for,” he sniffed.
A city councilman called Selig’s announcement “disappointing.”
“What are they evaluating him for?” asked Derrick Boazman, who began marshaling public opinion hours after the magazine came out. “He’s a 37-save guy and they know he is psychologically fit to play the game.”
In other words, off with his head. Out of baseball for a long time.
Welcome to the first official witch hunt of the new millennium. If Bud Selig is the historian he claims to be, the commissioner will order Rocker to be examined in Salem, Mass.