Keep Your Hairy, Bony Knees To Yourself

I applaud the advent of calf-length shorts for men, not only because they remind me of the beloved “clam-diggers” of my youth, but also because they cover more square-footage of American manhood than regular shorts.

These knicker-type pants are more like high-tide trousers than shorts, and I think that most will agree when I say that, for many men, especially men who are my peers in terms of age (middle), attractiveness (faded) and bellies (beer), the longer the shorts the better.

I am not saying that these calf-length trousers are attractive. I’m just saying that they are more attractive than many men’s hairy, bony knees. So the calf-length trousers are a trade-off I am willing to accept.

The entire subject of men in shorts has been weighing heavily on my mind as summer approaches, along with its related problem, men in tank tops. The actual existence of shorts and tank tops is not the problem. They are perfectly benign items of apparel. The problem is that they are often worn by the kind of men who should strive at all times to be as fully clothed as possible. To put it in handy bumper-sticker form: Tank tops don’t hurt people. Guys with beer guts in tank tops hurt people.

There are a few men who look good in tank tops and then there are the rest of us, and I think part of living a decent, honorable life lies in graciously acknowledging that the day has come when the tank top is strictly for those days when you are staining the deck. I don’t mean you should wear one while staining the deck have some respect for your neighbors, for heaven’s sake - I mean you should use one to stain the deck.

Shorts are a different problem. All men, of course, should be allowed to wear shorts. It is a right, not to mention a necessity on many summer outings. However, what many men fail to understand is that the kind of shorts makes a difference. The biggest problems:

Short-shorts. Nothing is quite as appalling as a man wearing shorts that are cut cheek-high. Even today, when long, baggy shorts have been in vogue for almost a decade, you still see men wearing these tight, shrunken, practically hot-pants-like garments. (In the spirit of full disclosure I will confess that I have a photo - see cover - of myself wearing short rugby-style shorts during a golf tournament. My only defense is that these shorts were all the style in 1978. The photo, unfortunately, dates from 1994.)

Shorts that have slits up the side. Here’s the rule on these: You must have either won an Olympic medal, competed in a marathon, or completed Bloomsday WITHOUT WALKING OR STOPPING FOR A BEER before you are allowed to wear shorts with slits.

Shorts that won’t stay up. The cause might be shorts that are too fashionable (the ultra-baggy look), but is more likely Public Enemy No. 1, the massive beer gut.

The other problem is that some settings are inappropriate for shorts. I can’t cover all of the various non-shorts situations a man might find himself in, but here are a few rough guidelines.

Do not wear shorts to:

Job interviews that are not at a dot.com.

Weddings that are not on a softball field.

Funerals that are not at sea.

Other than that, try to exercise some judgment.

Lately, I have been pondering a relatively new men-in-shorts problem, one that seems to be making insidious inroads into our society: wearing shorts to work.

I’m not talking about the servers at the Red Robin wearing shorts, or mail carriers, or anybody who has to work outside in the summer heat. I am talking about office workers. That’s right, people in mortgage companies, insurance agencies, and even, yes, newspaper offices, wearing shorts at their desks. Once again, there is nothing inherently wrong with this except that these offices are air-conditioned and heat exhaustion is generally not an issue like it was for the officers of the British Raj in old Calcutta, and furthermore, if we let Casual Dress Friday get any farther out of hand we’ll end up with mortgage bankers sitting at their desks wearing thongs.

No, the problem here is the same as with tank tops. By some dint of reverse logic, the people you least want to see in shorts (like, your boss) are the ones most compelled to wear them. So I was thinking of sponsoring a no-men-in-shorts campaign in the office, but then I ran up against the gender issue. How can I prohibit men from wearing shorts to work, and still allow women to wear dresses and skirts, and, yes (hypocritically) shorts?

Then one of my female colleagues came up with the perfect solution: Just institute a policy of no shorts at work unless you’ve had your legs waxed.

Boy, will the men scream over that rule.