Better Give Your Reasons A Workout

If you’re planning to skip Bloomsday, it’s time to get ready.

Don’t wait till the last minute to get your explanations in shape.

Here are a few, just to get you warmed up.

1. “I wasn’t aware that participation is mandatory.”

2. “I like being in the majority.”

3. “If I hear one more person say `Why can’t we have Bloomsday spirit all year long?’ I’m going to scream.”

4. “I’ve got my own pointless activities planned for that Sunday.”

5. “I regard Bloomsday as a dangerous cult.”

6. “My desire to take part in an event drops to zero after the third time I’m told, `Ya gotta love it.”’

7. “It’s my role to be the person in my office who says `There were a lot of people, huh? No kidding.”’

8. “I moonlight as a burglar and I’ll be working that morning.”

9. “Sell crazy somewhere else.”

10. “I have a strict policy about events involving portable toilets.”

* Workplace Pets Department: “Mission Ridge Assisted Living has a 60-pound, four-legged mixed breed employee named Claude Mason who interacts with seniors by day and works toward his certification in Pet Therapy in the evening.” - Monique Kolonko

* Tip for newcomers: No, you’re not imagining things. There are many people around here who routinely complain about Spokane’s shortcomings and then, in the next breath, make it clear that they regard every other region of the country as unfit for human habitation.

This puzzling attitude is known as the Lilac Paradox.

* Let you in on a little secret: There are people who find the B Tournament spectacularly uninteresting. And yet they still root against all the private schools.

* You wouldn’t be the first: To view Lent as a weight-loss program.

* Slice answers: Sprague’s Mary C. Ruud said local people saying they seek organizational leaders who will reflect the West’s values and culture are really just looking for a rubber-stamp of their own attitudes.

Another reader said it means they buy self-serving regional stereotypes.

* Three things that make no sense:

1. Certain minivan-driving moms zooming through school zones.

2. The idea that “Secret smokers” actually believe they are fooling anybody. (Hey, wise up. You reek.)

3. People who live on busy streets being surprised their cat got run over.

* Today’s Slice questions (for readers who sought rural Utopia): What’s the best thing about living way out of town, off by yourself? What’s the worst thing?