You’D Better Keep Mob Ties To Yourself

With the economy humming along and unemployment low, many of you are taking this opportunity to create upward pressure on inflation by asking the boss for a raise.

Asking for a raise is a delicate art; there’s a right way and a wrong way to do it. I have no idea what the right way is. Who do I look like to you? Mr. Self Help Career Advice Guru?

However, I do know plenty of wrong ways. I hereby present “Things Not To Say When Asking the Boss for a Raise”:

* “Either give me a raise or I’ll do more embezzling. Your choice.”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee who deserves a raise. Reason No. 2, I am just so silly at managing my money.”

* “If you give me a nice raise, I can afford to spend even more of my `sick days’ at Silver Mountain.”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I have to pay off my gambling debts to the Mob.”

* “Don’t feel obligated to give me a raise. But I may go into what my therapist calls my `suicidal funk.’ “

* “So, ball park, what does a doofus like you make, for instance?”

* “As a junior sales associate, I should be making what other `juniors’ are making, such as Ken Griffey Jr.”

* “Either give me a raise, or I walk right out of this door. This door right here. See where I’m walking? Ma’am? Hello?”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, do you have any idea how much a sex-change operation costs these days?”

* “Since you, my corporate masters, have robbed me of my soul, I believe you have an obligation to take care of my material needs forever.”

* “Don’t feel obligated to give me a raise. But I’m warning you, I may go into what my attorney calls `temporary insanity.’ “

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I must tithe to the Aryan Hooded Brotherhood.”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I need the money to start my own competing business so I can bury you.”

* “Please, I’ll do anything for a raise. I’ll even cut back on my expense-account cheating.”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I owe $40,000 to my crack dealer.”

* “I believe that $100 more a week will help cut down my mood swings.”

* “If you give me a raise, I promise, I won’t need to `borrow’ quite as many staplers.”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I am saving up for a trophy wife.”

* “Look at it this way. If you give me a raise, I can retire earlier and you can be rid of me that much sooner.”

* “I can make more money selling drugs on the street. By the way, big guy, can I hook you up?”

* “If you give me a raise, I’ll feel more professional, which means I’ll quit sabotaging the airplanes.”

* “Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, the high cost of country club memberships is becoming a national scandal.”

* “Don’t feel obligated to give me a raise. But I’m warning you, I may go into what my prison shrink calls my `blood rage’.”

* “My agent will consider your offer and get back to you shortly. What? What law says a junior sales associate can’t have an agent?”

* “Because it all boils down to talent. Not everybody has the knack I have for busing tables.”

“Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I am packing heat.”

“Because Billy Bob makes more than I do, and Billy Bob’s a moron.”

“Because more money will improve my self-esteem.”

“Because more money will enable me to stop playing computer solitaire during working hours.”

“Because I have terminal cancer, my wife has Lou Gehrig’s disease and our children will soon be orphans. Ha ha! Look at you with the handkerchief! Whoo! Gotcha going on that one, didn’t I, big guy?”

“Reason No. 1, I am a valued employee. Reason No. 2, I am so weary of selling my body.”

(Scribbled on note, passed to boss) “Act normally. Do not hit alarm button. Hand over raise.”