Pair Tangles Over Money Management
My wife, Susannah, is driving me crazy,” says Gavin, 38, a marketing executive for a pharmaceutical company. “For most of the 10 years we’ve been together, we’ve pretty much agreed on how to handle our finances. But now we fight over money all the time - and the ironic part is, we shouldn’t have to!”
Forty-year-old Susannah, a high-school guidance counselor, says her husband’s spending has gone out of control ever since he got a promotion and a very generous raise. “All of a sudden Gavin’s joined a country club, traded in our minivan for a Mercedes, and he’s talking about sending our 7-year-old son, Noah, to an expensive private school,” she says. “Both of us come from middle-class families, and we don’t need all these luxuries. I never realized what a spendthrift my husband is, and it’s a turn-off.”
Gavin argues that now that they’re in a higher income bracket, there’s no reason they shouldn’t treat themselves to nice things. “I need designer suits to look professional at work,” he says. “But Susannah is so ridiculously thrifty that she still buys her clothes at low-end discount stores. When we go out to business dinners or the country club, she looks, well, shabby compared to the other women. She’s beautiful and sexy, but on principle, she won’t spend money on a fancy cocktail dress.
“Susannah goes nuts over the littlest things,” he adds. “For instance, Noah wanted a Darth Maul costume last Halloween, but Susannah said it was too expensive and threw together a pirate outfit for him instead. For crying out loud, I didn’t work hard so I could deny my son a lousy costume.”
Susannah explains that she doesn’t want their son to become a spoiled brat.
When the couple first married, budgeting was a large part of their lives. Susannah was a history teacher, and Gavin, who had put himself through college, worked overtime as a sales rep to make ends meet. Their modest two-bedroom apartment was furnished primarily with hand-me-downs from family members. “Even though those were tight times, we were happy,” says Susannah. “We were both working to get ourselves out of credit-card and student-loan debt, and saving to buy a house.”
Within a couple of years, Gavin worked himself up to a mid-level management position and Susannah took a job as a guidance counselor. They bought a small ranch house and welcomed their son to the family shortly afterward. As Gavin’s salary steadily increased, Susannah noticed that his spending did, too.
The couple’s heated battles over money have led to a cold spell in the bedroom.
Since then, the couple haven’t discussed their sexual problems, and Gavin worries he might be tempted to get his satisfaction elsewhere. “I’m so frustrated about my marriage,” he says. “I’m no longer sure Susannah and I are meant to be together.”
It’s not surprising this couple came to counseling because of money. According to Susan Heitler, Ph.D., a Denver-based clinical psychologist and author of “The Power of Two” (New Harbinger, 1997) the most frequent source of arguments for couples is finances.
“In this relationship, money has become a lightning rod for antagonism; both partners have resorted to name calling and blaming instead of listening and trying to understand the other’s point of view.”
Heitler also believes this couple needs to address the disintegrating sex life issue. “When a couple’s sexual relationship moves into the danger zone, like these two, that’s when the temptation to go elsewhere increases.”
When Susannah and Gavin came to counseling, both were angry and belligerent, barely able to talk without accusing each other.
When they first married, Susannah and Gavin worked as partners to pay off their debts and save for the things they wanted. But after Gavin made the leap to upper management, with the salary to match, he saw it as an opportunity to have fun and buy the luxuries he’d never had. Susannah, still fearful of not having enough, refused to allow herself that kind of pleasure.
The therapist asked them to go over their accounts and discuss mutually agreeable ways to handle their money. Because Susannah was concerned about having enough put aside for the future, they started a college fund for Noah and made an appointment with a financial planner to go over investment options.
Gavin promised to talk to Susannah before buying any big-ticket items. On the other hand, Gavin argued, the country club membership wasn’t as much of a luxury as it seemed, since many of his business associates belonged to it and it gave him a place to entertain clients, as well. Susannah agreed it was a reasonable expense and promised to make more of an effort to socialize there.
On their counselor’s recommendation, the couple began seeing a sex therapist to help them become intimate again. They learned sensual techniques that reintroduced them to the enjoyment of giving and receiving pleasure. As they gradually stopped fighting over money and spent more time relaxing and having fun, they discovered that their positive feelings naturally spilled over into the bedroom.