Psyche Sending Warning Signals

Dear Nancy: Last October my fiance of three years moved out. I was devastated even though it was not a good relationship. He was critical and controlling. I still think of him more often than I like. I also dream of him frequently, but this particular dream has stuck with me for months. I had it several days before he called and asked to see me again. I told him “No.” - Robin

I’m crawling up the stairs from the dark basement of my parents’ home. My ex-fiance comes up from behind me and grabs hold of my ankle and holds me so I can’t go any farther. Then he pulls his body up over the top of mine. By this time, I am lying on the stairs on my stomach. He turns my head and shoulders to face him and forcefully and deeply kisses me. I’m not frightened, just bewildered and sort of disgusted about what’s happening.

Dear Robin: The state of our relationships is a common theme in our dreams. These relationships include our children, spouses or lovers, co-workers, bosses. … Through these dreams we obtain updates and reality checks on a regular basis. They also give us a current view of our inner life.

Every dream has an important topic or theme. The key to dreamwork is to find what situation in your life is similar to that theme.

On the telephone, I asked if your relationship with your former fiance is similar to what’s pictured in the dream. Did he hold you back, impede your progress and force your submission? You said, “That’s exactly the way he treated me. That’s why I broke up with him.” You said he was very controlling, and you felt smothered by him. This is all depicted in the dream.

One of the most common symbols for the unconscious mind is the basement. Stairways connect the different levels of consciousness, so going up may be a sign that you are becoming more conscious of these dynamics in your relationship with him. You are crawling, rather than walking or running, up the stairway. This may show that your healing from this relationship feels slow and difficult.

Dreams often bring us messages. Sometimes they give warning of future events. Dreaming of your former fiance just a few days before he called is a testament to the precognitive power of dreams. I’m sure this was your psyche’s way of reminding you of the dynamics of that relationship in order to strengthen your resolve not to see him again.

Dreams often use negative characters to show us how we treat ourselves. You may want to look at the dream as if your former fiance represents a part of yourself that is preventing you from moving forward in life. Do you have an inner critic who tends to pull you down and keep you in the dark? Since this dream took place in your parents’ home, it may be an old family pattern to criticize and control.

Dreaming of your former fiance doesn’t mean that you want to go back to him. Sometimes it takes years for us to process the lessons from the important relationships in our lives. Frequently our former partners will show up in our dreams when the dynamics in a current relationship stimulates feelings similar to those felt in the past.