Unstoppable Talkers Won’T Keep It Zipped

If I were to rank people on an overall obnoxiousness scale, I would put the person who steals from the Salvation Army Christmas pot at No. 1, the scam artist preying on the elderly at No. 2, and people who simply will not shut up at No. 3.

Is that unfair? Sure, to the thieves and con artists. At least they’re trying to make a living. On the other hand, people who will not shut up — and I don’t know any way to sugarcoat this — don’t know when to shut up. They wreck more people’s days than Freddy the con artist could ever dream of, even on his busiest day of getting Alzheimer’s patients to write checks to his Feed The Freddy Fund.

My college-student son learned this the hard way recently. He went out on a date with a promising young lady, yet the relationship soured almost immediately.

“What happened?” his mother asked.

“Mom, we went to see a movie, and she talked all the way through it,” he said.

Thank goodness, he’s learned at least one lesson at that college of his. When you find yourself hooked up with an Unstoppable Talker, run like the wind.

You know these Unstoppable Talkers. They have a compulsion to fill up every space, every minute of their lives, with inane chatter about — well, usually about nothing. It hardly matters whether they actually have an issue to discuss or a point to make. They don’t even understand that the purpose of conversation is to make a point, at least occasionally.

So the Unstoppable Talker will go on and on about their vacation, which leads them to the subject of frozen daiquiris, which leads them to wicker vis-a-vis rattan, which leads them to bargains on linen products, which leads them to cute miniature dogs, which leads them to UW football, which leads them to their cute little cousins. You, the listener, are not related to these cousins, have never met these cousins, will never meet these cousins, but this never occurs to the Person Who Talks Too Much. And even if it did, it wouldn’t stop them from blathering on about their cousins, because they believe that there exists a national, and even global fascination with their cousins’ grade-point-averages not to mention their very existence.

For some Persons Who Talk Too Much, the subject of the conversation is never actually important. PWTTMs believe that conversation is like Muzak. It is merely background hum to prevent what they believe to be the most embarrassing and humiliating of all social disasters, silence.

Well, let me clue them in. Silence is not evil. In fact, silence is often absolutely essential in certain situations, such as, for instance, during movies, concerts and eulogies.

One sub-variety of Unstoppable Talker goes too far in the other direction. They are (shudder) People With Opinions. They make points, all right, too many of them. They know the solution to every problem. They can natter endlessly with complete self-confidence about every subject, including a few they are actually informed about. They often become radio talk show hosts, which proves that being an Unstoppable Talker can actually be a career track.

Talking, of course, is not always a plague upon humanity. Sometimes, sustained conversation is actually welcomed, for instance, during meals, during walks and during road trips. Nothing makes a trip to Seattle speed by more pleasantly than stimulating and intelligent (note the qualifiers) conversation with a thoughtful (note the qualifier) companion. However, what is welcomed on a short trip can become pure living hell on a long trip. Put the same companion in a car with you to Chicago, for instance, and you may both be forced to designate one section of the freeway, such as the part that runs through South Dakota, a talk-free zone.

Other places where incessant conversation is unwelcome would be: the golf course, during a Gonzaga basketball game, while trying to watch the Oscars, in the middle of “E.R.,” whenever you are trying to read, whenever you are trying to work, whenever you are trying to fish, whenever you are trying to catch a few winks, and whenever you just want to be left the heck alone.

I was thinking about all of this while driving to Pullman and back with my son on Tuesday. We had a good two hours of lively and interesting conversation. Yet this is a three-hour drive, round trip, so during that third hour, we enjoyed the togetherness that silence can bring.

Silence is worth saving. I urge all Unstoppable Talkers to try it some time.

Discuss amongst yourselves.