Sorry, Dubya, We’Re Going With This Plan

Fri., Nov. 3, 2000

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

The Slice’s tax plan would…

Make it unbelievably costly to father a child out of wedlock.

Penalize those who splash on too much bottled fragrance.

Jail people who take up two seats when the bus is crowded.

Punish mediocre guitar players who make contorted faces on stage.

Chastise Northwest college football fans who bash California even though most of the key players on their schools’ teams are from the Golden State.

Impose a marriage penalty for those getting hitched after a public-performance proposal.

Initiate a series of fines against people who vote the wrong way.

Introduce a schedule of rebates for drivers who mouth the words “I’m sorry” after committing minor traffic transgressions.

Usher in stiff rate increases for those who have inherited wealth and sit in country clubs wondering aloud why the poor can’t just pull themselves up by the bootstraps.

Insist that people who complain about snow pay double.

Require that beard-stroking occasionally produce an original thought.

Demand that people who imitate ESPN sportscasters cease and desist.

Reward senders of e-mail who get right to the point.

Revise the current tax code so that the names of business-expense scammers would appear on the cable channel 5 scroll of suspects.

Address guns, abortion, cell phones, SUVs, milk prices, gay rights, VapoRub and the Spokane Humane Society Board of Directors.

Penalize parents who are oblivious to their children’s rudeness.

Slash tax rates for people who help elderly neighbors without a fuss.

Impose limits on bounce-promoting workplace attire.

Make people who benefit from federal subsidies pay bigtime if they insist on saying stupid things about “bureaucrats back East” needing to leave the West alone so a free market can operate fairly.

Reduce by half the amount of tax paid by Slice readers.

Make it easier for low-income families to pay veterinary bills.

Contribute to the development of an energy policy that isn’t a joke.

Sharply increase rates for owners of unnecessary high-tech gadgets.

Jail people who, on airplanes, show you all the features of these gadgets.

Eliminate taxes for grandparents raising their children’s children.

Penalize those identified as consistent creators of unnecessary noise.

Soak athletes, actors, models, TV anchors and those with fake tans.

Institute rebates for teddy bears.

Reward social-service volunteers.

* Today’s Slice question: What was special about the best surprise party you ever attended?

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