Sleeping With The Enemy When Bedfellows Have Opposing Political Views, Campaign Season Becomes A Lesson In Civility

If you thought the debates were over, you haven’t met Cathy Stocks and Jerry Hadsell.

The retired Spokane Valley couple don’t see eye-to-eye on politics. And after 30 years of marriage, neither seems ready to yield.

“We still try to persuade one another all the time,” said Stocks.

She’s more liberal. (“Bleeding heart,” according to her husband.)

He’s more conservative. (“The more passionate he gets, the louder he talks,” says his wife.)

It’s not a boring relationship.

But this odd couple’s ballot-box disagreements aren’t new. They met back in the ‘60s. She was a left-leaning student at the University of California in Berkeley. He was a local boy, a firefighter’s son who resented what the anti-war protesters were doing to his town.

Love trumped policy positions.

They aren’t alone. Mixed marriages are not all that unusual. Though pollsters suggest it’s far easier to find couples who simply don’t care about politics.

When was the last time you saw a personal ad submitted by someone with deep feelings about poetry, walks on the beach and campaign finance reform?

Spokane’s most prominent house divided might be community leader and civic activist Mari Clack and her husband, David, a top-tier businessman.

She once set fire to a campaign sign he had OK’d for their front yard.

“It was really pretty,” she recalled. “It was dusk.”

They have since arrived at a more civil approach to determining what signs to display. And she has agreed to no longer place a “Mr. Yuk” face above his candidate’s signs when he is out of town.

“We talk a lot about politics, and we sharpen our own ideas,” she said. “I think that’s the best kind of discourse.”

For both couples, respect is the key to keeping political disagreement from positioning a dark cloud over the marriage.

“We have some pretty strong differing points of view,” said Hadsell. “But it’s our interpersonal relationship that’s important to me.”

Besides, there are issues on which they agree. Common ground is not an altogether foreign concept.

“We get along very well and usually people enjoy having us around,” said Stocks. “We’re smart enough to know when to be quiet.”

Some couples with opposing political agendas establish rules to promote domestic tranquility. Not watching TV news together is one tactic aimed at giving peace a chance.

Others just quietly resolve, in time-honored fashion, to cancel out their spouse’s vote come Election Day.

Silence can be golden.

“Who’s going to vote for whom, maybe you’re just better to leave that alone if you both feel strongly,” said Norma Myers, divorce lawyer and mediator.

Relationship dynamics can be complicated. A healthy couple can survive some disagreement. But adding political polarization to an already bad marriage can lead to estranged bedfellows coexisting in a state of suppressed rage.

“Fighting about politics could just be the tip of the iceberg,” said Diane Brennan, a counselor in Spokane. “All the other underlying problems would be the real issues.”

She means issues such as sex, money and how to raise the kids.

There’s no simple prescription for ensuring that a man and woman will get along, of course.

Listening to the other person’s opinions is important, though. So, too, is not saying “Well then, you’re an idiot.”

Eye-rolling and moaning, “Here we go again,” might also make a list of behaviors to avoid.

But when arguing about politics, it’s hard to resist the urge to win.

“I’ve got this desire to prove how smart I am,” said Stocks.

Still, living with someone whose views collide with your own can force you to examine what you believe.

“In our discussions, you’d better have some facts,” said Hadsell. “You’d better have something to back up what you’re saying. I know that if I don’t, she won’t even listen to me.”

Some say a little give-and-take can be stimulating.

The way Mari Clack sees it, agreeing about absolutely everything would get old.

“We’re very different,” she said. “But I have so much respect for Dave and his integrity.”

Like many others suffering from campaign fatigue, she has been eager for this day to arrive. “We reached the point where I said I do not want to hear certain names mentioned in the house until it’s over.”

But she has no regrets about being married to a man who won’t vote for the presidential candidate she backs.

“We laugh about it. And when we hit a note that might be difficult, we sort of back off. However, I am never afraid of confrontation. I think it’s good for your soul.”