No-Name Eagles Sit On Lofty Perch

The Philadelphia Eagles, 8-24 in 1998-99, are 8-4 in 2000. How are they doing it? Three yards at a time, my friends, 3 yards at a time. They have no running backs. They have no wide receivers. They have a second-year quarterback who often looks like a second-year rust-proof specialist.

They play in the Vet, a lame-duck stadium that is as uninviting a venue as there is in the NFL, with artificial turf harder than the head of The Rock.

Their fans, who once heckled Santa Claus and jeered Donovan McNabb’s selection in the NFL draft, are unforgiving. They’d boo a sunny day if they were in a cloudy mood.

They have one of those squishy New Age Owners, Jeffrey Lurie, who is just the B side to the corporate stylings of Daniel M. Snyder.

Coach Andy Reid opened the season with an onside kick (Repeat: He opened the season with an onside kick), and with a defense led by Hugh Douglas’ 13 sacks, the Eagles are allowing the fewest points per game in the NFC.

Still, from where do Philadelphia’s points come? Usually off the foot of David Akers, who has made 21 of 24 field-goal attempts.

McNabb, their erratic, improving quarterback, is the team’s leading rusher with 433 yards. Their next-leading active rusher is Darnell Autry (247 yards), an actor who plays a running back on TV on Sundays.

As for their wide receivers, let me test you. Here are four names: Keith Hastings, Charles Johnson, Torrance Small, Terance Ward. Two of them are Eagles receivers, two of them are postal carriers. Good luck.

And yet, if they only could beat the Giants, of all teams - this season, the Eagles are 0-2 against New Jersey’s finest and 8-2 against the rest of the league - they might have the best record in football.

This Sunday, the Eagles, who haven’t won an NFC East title since 1988, visit Washington with first place in the division at stake. The Redskins, a k a The Evil Empire Off A Highway In Maryland, are favored by six points. The Man is assuming, hoping and praying that ex-Redskin Brian Mitchell will return a punt or kick for a touchdown, and thus I’ll take the Eagles and the points.

(Football note: Seeking to get jump on fledgling XFL, NFL has authorized Raiders players to throw chairs at each other during postseason.)

(TV note: We need more halftime interviews with head coaches like we need more Howie & Teri commercials with Radio Shack.)

As always, the following point-spread picks should not be used as the basis for any actual cash wager:

Saints at Rams (-13): Saints have lost Ricky Williams and Jeff Blake in backto-back games. This would be like Yippies losing Abbie Hoffman and Jerry Rubin in back-to-back protests… . As expected, Rams defense has replaced football helmets with miners’ hats. Pick: Rams.

Broncos (-3-1/2) at Seahawks: Attention, Bill Romanowski: Sports One Solar Water (furanone, tetramethylene glycol and 1,4-butendiol replacement) is currently 25 to 70 percent off manufacturer’s suggested retail price at Powerhouse Supplements! Pick: Seahawks.

Giants (-5) at Cardinals: Best kicking games in NY/NJ area: 1. Jets; 2. Rockettes; 3. MetroStars; 4. Giants… . A belated “Welcome Back!” to Giants gigolo Jason Sehorn… . Jim Fassel, please write! … Giants: Today 7-4, tomorrow 8-8. Pick: Cardinals.

Bears at Jets (-7): I don’t want to say Jets QB Vinny Testaverde’s arm strength is suspect, but when he shoots craps, someone else throws the dice for him… . Jets: Today 7-4, tomorrow 8-8. Pick: Jets.

Chiefs (-3-1/2) at Chargers: How much of a players’ coach is Chargers’ Mike Riley? At bed check, each starter gets tucked in… . I’d like 0-11 Chargers’ chances of winning a lot more if they didn’t keep score. Pick: Chargers.

Browns at Ravens (-15-1/2): Trent Dilfer’s career revival likened in some circles to William Shatner’s Priceline renaissance… . Overheard in Browns’ executive offices: “Just take it out of petty cash.” Pick: Ravens.

Packers at Panthers (-1): When Brett Favre was a child in Kiln, Miss., he used to make angels in the snow. And it never snowed there… . Panthers RB Brad Hoover runs like a vacuum cleaner, only slower. Pick: Panthers.

Steelers (-3-1/2) at Bengals: Unless my Steelers turn it around ASAP, the Team of Destiny is destined for my doghouse. And there’s not even a water dish in there. I should know - that’s where I live. Pick: Steelers.

Dolphins at Colts (-5): Dolphins have upgraded LB Zach Thomas (ankle) to “questionable” and Goldman Sachs has upgraded Dolphins to “strong buy.” Pick: Colts.

Bills at Buccaneers (-4): Reason No. 6 Bills coach Wade Phillips doesn’t wear a headset: He’s afraid of roaming charges on the road. Pick: Buccaneers.

Titans (-3-1/2) at Jaguars: Just to be safe, Titans coach Jeff Fisher will go with a bipartisan huddle this week. Pick: Titans.

Falcons at Raiders (-11): To induce sellout, Raiders are offering first 10,000 fans a retrial on latest charges. Pick: Falcons.

Last week: 4-11.

Season record: 83-85-4.