You Think Things Are Kooky Now?

Nov. 25, 2003 - As the presidential election crisis entered its third year, election workers in Florida were beginning to show the strain.

“I have been hallucinating off and on for four days,” said one beleaguered vote counter. “But I am proud to be part of this historic vote for `MTV’s Greatest Party Songs of All-Time.”’

Then she resumed separating her ballots into three stacks: George W. Bush, Al Gore and “Lesley Gore.”

An election supervisor confirmed that Lesley Gore, who sang “It’s My Party (and I’ll Cry If I Want To),” picked up 1,123 votes in the latest recount.

Worker dementia is becoming an increasing problem as the ballot recount began for the 856th time. A number of workers are beginning to have trouble distinguishing between a Bush ballot and a Frequent Eater Discount Card from Domino’s Pizza.

“Super Crusty Cheeser” has been gaining votes in nearly every recount.

In addition, lawyers from both the Gore camp and the Bush camp are increasingly concerned that the punchcards themselves are not holding up to repeated handling.

“Some of the punchcards are becoming spindled and mutilated,” said one Republican lawyer. “Others are beginning to rot.”

However, a lawyer for the Gore Party (Lesley) said that this was just a partisan smokescreen to prevent the voters’ voices from being heard.

“Just because the ballot is basically a damp wad of pulp doesn’t mean that a voter should be disenfranchised,” said the Gore Party lawyer.

In addition, hundreds of thousands of ballots now have ketchup or “special sauce” on them because workers are eating lunch at their posts. These stains cause the ballots to stick together, thus accounting for the markedly reduced vote totals over the last six months. One recount declared Gore to be the winner by a statewide total of 28 votes to 17.

In addition, numerous ketchup splotches are also causing problems in the machine recounts, which alternate with the hand recounts on Tuesdays and Thursdays. These red stains cause the machines to misread the purpose of the ballot entirely. A number of voters have been surprised to learn that they have been awarded scores of 800 on the verbal portion of their SATs.

“I am thrilled to finally be named a National Merit Scholar,” said Bessie Lou Womax, 73, of West Palm Beach, Fla. “Just because I never figured out the butterfly ballot doesn’t mean I’m not alert.”

The counting machines have developed other problems over the course of these intensive three years. Many machines developed jamming problems. Authorities later discovered the machines were “gagging” on Buchanan votes.

New, modern machines were brought in to replace the old machines, but a controversy erupted when tabulation errors began cropping up. The new machines, provided free by Microsoft, showed Bush winning 8 million to nothing.

The mistake was noticed by an alert election worker who was “pretty sure there were only 6 million voters in Florida.”

Crowd control has been another unforeseen problem at the recount centers. Protesters disappeared long ago, but they were replaced by throngs of tourists willing to stand in line for hours to get into the newly constructed visitor’s gallery.

Why the appeal?

“It’s been on TV a lot,” explained Willard Barkley, of Rolla, Mo.

Meanwhile, things continued to run surprisingly smoothly in the White House, where the Interim President has been installed pending the final outcome of the election. The Interim President has continued to enjoy unprecedented bipartisan support.

“Things are going just fine up here,” Interim President Alan Greenspan said today. “Take your time with that recount.”

Public opinion polls have echoed that sentiment, with 78 percent of the American public saying, “Really. We mean it. Take your time.”

However, the candidate leading the latest count demanded an immediate end to this “long drawn-out national nightmare.”

“I have one message for Al Gore and George W. Bush,” said Lesley Gore. “It’s your turn to cry.”