There’S No Crying In Snow Fights

Thu., Nov. 30, 2000

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

With December mere hours away, it’s time to review the Marquis of Slicebury’s rules for snowball fights.

1. Do not aim at the face.

2. Do not aim at the groin (unless your opponent deserves it).

3. No inserting foreign objects in snowballs.

4. Throwing frozen dog droppings is prohibited.

5. Do not aim at breasts.

6. Slushballs should be used in self-defense only.

7. Teenagers or others trying to look cool by wearing a T-shirt and shorts on a freezing day should be pelted early and often.

8. No saying “My mom told me not to get any snow on this jacket.”

9. Shoving snow down the back of your opponent’s shirt shall be considered a foul.

10. If someone starts crying, the snowball fight is over.

11. Three against one is not fair unless the outnumbered party has a goatee.

12. Aiming at someone who is not looking is permissible if that person is more than 20 feet away.

13. No biting.

14. Do not throw at animals.

15. Pretending to have been struck in the groin as a way of luring your opponent in closer is not allowed.

* Feedback: Mike Hill of Lacey, Wash., spent some time in Spokane recently. And he took exception to The Slice’s remarks Friday about Westsiders. In particular, he seemed to object to our assertion that Seattle area residents tend to smell like fish.

“I discovered the source of the fishy smell on Westsiders,” he wrote. “It’s the result of us’ns bringing you’ns fresh fish. After all, after seeing (in one of those “Best of” polls) that Spokane considers Skipper’s — the home of battered bait — near the top for local seafood restaurants, you need some help.”

* Santa story No. 1: Bonnie MacDonald’s 4-year-old grandson is no fan of Saint Nick.

The other day, the boy’s mom asked him if he wanted to go see Santa. And Trystan was adamantly opposed to the idea.

“I want to stay off that man,” he declared.

* Santa story No. 2: A Spokane preschool girl was visiting cousins in Colfax when she heard a voice on a baby monitor. “Ava, this is Santa Claus,” the voice said.

Then the voice asked her what she wanted for Christmas.

The little girl somewhat warily approached the baby monitor. Then, in a perplexed tone, said “I told you at the mall.”

* Today’s Slice question: What’s your best story involving the hiding of a key?

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