Doppler Just Can’T Detect Pine Storm

Thu., Oct. 5, 2000

By Paul Turner srpaulturner@gmail.com

Weather forecasters never get it right when this area is about to get socked with an inch of pine needles.

* You’ll know Spokane is “happening” when …: “The traffic and parking situation in downtown will have become so horrendous that I will no longer have any desire to come to town,” wrote Jerry F. Dormaier of Hartline. “At age 52, I doubt I will live to see it.

“Something in between the current situation and that would be nice, however. You know, a bunch of nice music venues within walking distance of each other and the downtown hotels.”

* While we’re on the subject: A couple of summers ago, Gerda Porter and her teenage daughter were in an upscale boutique in Palo Alto, Calif. (Redundant?) Anyway, Porter mentioned living in Spokane.

A clerk said: “Oh, I thought of moving there. Is it a happening place?”

Porter replied: “Well, we’re getting a Pottery Barn soon.”

The clerk burst into laughter.

Moments later, Porter got a little talking-to from her daughter.

* Up to speed: One fine thing about driving a car that has great acceleration is that you can leave in the dust those impotent dolts who floor it to punish you for having the audacity to enter the stream of traffic ahead of them. Denying these lifeless little people the chance to get right up on your bumper is oddly satisfying.

* Will the real Paul Turner please stand up: Slice reader Pamela Stark guessed that the writer of this column looks like Maynard G. Krebs from the old “Dobie Gillis” TV show.

* Your friendship is solid if it can endure one of you saying:

1. “What sort of mileage do you get in that road pig of yours?”

2. “Hey, did you read about the latest scholar-athlete at your alma mater to get arrested?”

3. “Oh, sorry. I forgot that you’re a plant eater.”

4. “We disagree about fluoride.”

5. “Well, I’d say you’re an unholy mess. But I’m sure Oprah would want you to feel good about yourself.”

6. “Do you meet all your emotional needs with food?”

7. “If you answer that phone while we’re in this traffic, I am going to hide it deep inside your body.”

8. “Your hair bugs me.”

9. “Your only problem is a total inability to see yourself as others do.”

10. “Sometimes you remind me of the people I work with.”

* Today’s Slice question: If Spokane had big signs at every exit from the city reading “Thank You For …” how would you fill in the blank?

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Meet Our Journalists

Jesse Tinsley

Meet Jesse Tinsley. As a certified drone pilot, this veteran Spokesman-Review photographer often can be seen capturing beautiful aerial photographs of our region. Sometimes though, the job requires getting down with the dogs.
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