Mittens Can’T Be Trusted
If there were negative ads in real life …
1. “Carla, the new sales manager, is supported by a Back East group (company headquarters). Her empty motivational rhetoric and reckless bonus plan puts our children at risk.”
2. “Mrs. Johnson said she would restore dignity and pride to the principal’s office. But instead, she has set our school adrift on a sea of empty promises and unfulfilled expectations. It’s time for a change.”
3. “Duhkota, 3, has become a favorite of the staff at our day care. But at what price? His reliance on rumor and innuendo to besmirch the reputations of certain other preschoolers has gone unchecked too long. And his flip-flops on nap time make you wonder. Can this glib youngster ever be trusted?”
4. “Mittens, who wouldn’t know the truth if it gave her a pat on her furry head, has consistently misrepresented my record as resident dog. That cat will say anything to get tuna. I did not knock over that lamp.”
5. “Bob Anderson pledged that he would help out around the house. He must think that can be accomplished on the golf course. It’s time to send Bob Anderson a message: You’re sleeping on the couch.”
6. “Halloween should be for kids. But a certain receptionist apparently thinks the occasion is an excuse to flaunt her figure in a low-cut, body-hugging affront to community standards. Call her at 459-5470 and ask her why she’s such a tramp.”
7. “June is a known kid-hater. But when her manager’s brood make an appearance at the office, she acts like she’s auditioning to become a Big Sister. I hate June. So should you.”
8. “My husband said he would strengthen our family and bring us together with a program of targeted dinnertime appearances. But he broke his solemn promise. He hardly ever comes up from the basement. Is this the man we want carving the Thanksgiving turkey?”
* Evocative air pollution: If the smell of wood smoke doesn’t get to you at this time of year, maybe you ought to consider moving to some place where it’s 72 degrees all the time.
* Buildings you seldom see in those miniature Christmas Village sets: Ye olde crack house, vacant 5-and-dime, run-down apartment building where a murder happened, porn shop, seedy bar and controversial parking garage.
* Slice answer: “The woodpecker wouldn’t have a chance,” wrote Charles Dayley, president of the Spokane chapter of the Morse Telegraph Club. “He might make the dots, but would have no means of making the dashes. Too bad.”
* Today’s Slice question: Do you believe there is such a thing as universally shared local values?