Family 101

NEW YORK — There is no secret recipe for a happy family, but psychologist and social scientist David Niven says there are several — OK, 100 — ingredients that help create the framework for a harmonious household.

It’s important for family members to listen to each other, avoid comparisons and to be punctual — all logical and fairly easy things to do, he says.

The goal is to create an atmosphere of good will and encourage mothers and fathers, sisters and brothers, and even grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins to genuinely enjoy each other’s company, not merely tolerate one another.

“We tend to underestimate the importance of everyday activities. A family is built around the mundane, not the highlights like a vacation when the dynamics change,” says Niven.

Each of the entries in “The 100 Simple Secrets of Happy Families” (Harper San Francisco) are based on research conclusions of scientists studying family life, not personal experience of Niven or those near and dear to him, he explains. The tips that can be implemented as soon as tomorrow include:

No. 39. Show up on time

Punctual parents are the foundation of the consistency in children’s lives; kids won’t think they are being left on their own without guidance and supervision, and they’ll feel like they can depend upon their parents.

“Anyone could do this, but many don’t,” says Niven.

No. 12. Tell your family story

When parents talk about their upbringings and even their parents’ upbringings, it gives the next generation a sense of the big family picture. They’ll understand the relationships and not just see relatives as otherwise unrelated people who pose for a portrait on holidays.

Offering family context also helps humanize parents. “To a lot of children, their parents never had a childhood with childhood issues. They (children) think their parents were born in their 30s. But if they knew about the fights their parents had over clothes when they were young, then the kids will understand that the decision of when they can pierce their ears isn’t being decided by some old fuddy duddy.”

No. 17. Live your views

Showing what you value by doing it encourages the next generation to respect and follow. This method of teaching also allows children to make decisions for themselves, which likely will lead to decisions and convictions that stick. However, ruling with an iron hand will only encourage rebellion.

“People who feel they were brought up in very restrictive households tend to feel like they are not in control of their own adult lives, mostly because they don’t feel they know how to make a decision.”

Other “secrets” offered by Niven might take longer to accomplish because they require some thought and planning.

“One of the most important aspects of family life is for everyone to be a family member and an individual. It can be a difficult balance,” says Niven, who is taking a sabbatical from his teaching job at Florida Atlantic University to do research at Ohio State University.

Tip No. 88 is “Don’t do everything together”

He compares families who love each other but spend too much time together to a vacation in an interesting, faraway land; it’s great for a two-week visit but you probably don’t want to move in permanently.

“Putting every moment available into your family is not a healthy thing. Just because it’s important doesn’t mean you should spend every moment possible on it. It’ll eat away at your own identity.”

He adds: “Spending all your efforts on your family will reduce family satisfaction because you’ll begin to resent your family. Martyrs aren’t happy people.”

If it seems that your time is too heavily tilted toward other people’s needs, Niven suggests writing down your thoughts (No. 61). Such reflection is healthy and it helps put life and your family’s role in it in perspective — plus, he adds, the time you take to write it likely will be “alone” time.

It’s not a bad idea for children, and especially teenagers, to keep a journal as well, Niven says, because it gives them an unadulterated outlet to express their thoughts.

That said, dialogue among family members is even more important and Niven advises holding a formal family discussion about family discussions. Ground rules, such as “everyone has a voice” and “parents do have the final word,” should be addressed at the onset, he says.

“Everybody needs to feel listened to. Not everyone needs to win, but they need to feel listened to,” says Niven, preaching tip No. 40, “Communication brings us closer.”

“Even though children might not like decision, they’ll accept it if they feel like they were listened to. … A family is more of a dictatorship than a democracy, just try to balance the needs of the people.”

Those needs will be different for each family member, and — as secret No. 37 says — it’s important for expectations to vary depending on the individual.

For example, it’s fair for parents to expect children who excel at school to get good grades and children who excel at soccer to do well in games.

But what about children who don’t excel at either?

Parents should expect those children to do their best at school and then find an activity that better suits them, Niven says.

This will help avoid sibling rivalry — which is slightly different than sibling jealousy.

That brings us to tip No. 25: “Jealousy is automatic.”

“We’re programmed to think what’s best for me is best for the family. … It’s automatic. Get over it.”